I have always pushed myself to be my best. I’ve pushed myself for ‘me’, I’ve done it because it’s the way that I know how to be, but I’ve also done it for my parents and my family. I want to make the people in my life proud of what I’ve done, and who I am.
This was important for me as I grew up, as I went through grade school and high school. During high school, I added the “make God proud of me” component as well, and this further shaped my thought process and motivations.
Lasting effects
Thirty years ago I legally became an adult. I left my faith behind a long time ago but to this day I carry the influence of “make my parents and siblings happy” as I consider decisions in my life.
I pondered this today as I spoke with my sister. I had a rough weekend and wanted to share a little of my experience with someone who I knew would care. I’ve been more open, of late, about my life and my beliefs, but to share my story meant speaking directly to some of that truth with a family member.
Observations
My family has been great. They scratched their collective heads when I went from teenage atheist to devout Christian. They scratched their heads again over a decade later as my style shifted from tie-dye to black and I wore fishnet shirts and a combination of rivethead/goth garb. They watched me step into a successful and public photography world where my subject matter brought its own flavor, whether it was punk or industrial or fetish or something just art-weird. I’ve watched them take me in stride, take my people in stride, and take my life in stride. They didn’t always get it, and at times I knew it sat in a weird way with them, but I always felt supported.
One area that I’ve written about, but one around which I still find myself dancing my words, is my evolving position on romantic and committed relationships. When I write about other topics I get likes or comments from my fam. For my relationship stuff it’s mostly been silence, although I imagine those might still get read. That’s okay, but I also find myself holding back in my words, in life. Some of it involves respecting the stories and privacy of those around me, but other times it’s been my hesitancy in voicing my own truth for fear of alienating or hurting those I care about.
I’ve watched my family choose to be supportive humans for those exploring their gender-identity. I’ve seen support for gay rights, even as none of my family personally identified with that label. I’ve had conversations with them about race, even as we grew up in an almost exclusively white area, and I felt no absence of their convictions for human equality. They have shown me that they will love those they love, and open their minds and hearts to the truths that those individuals bring. Why, then, have I hesitated to openly be me? It’s not them, it’s me. And it’s time for that to end, with my faith that anything I say is basically already known, and that anything new I have to say will be accepted with the same grace I’ve seen them exhibit to others.
The Not-Secret Me
I have been ethically non-monogamous for a long time. ENM can mean a lot of different things but for me it started in an emotionally monogamous context, where my partner and I, as humans, also enjoyed the company and context of other humans. Most of the early stuff was more kink in nature, maybe something like shibari. Around sixteen years ago, one partner and I explored ‘the lifestyle’ with reasonable success. After that, most of how this manifested in my life was more theoretical than practical. My ex and I had a date or two with others, together. She did shibari on the regular, with others, while we were together. I didn’t do much during this time but that’s just how my own reality played out.
When polyamory entered my picture, and even as Covid assisted the non-success of that transition, I truly thrust myself into a new mindset and committed myself to succeeding at it. Even though my marriage soon ended, I had progressed far enough that it wasn’t something I could easily let go of. I’d shaped enough of my thoughts that I had to try it in better circumstances before deciding it wasn’t for me, or if maybe it was. About a year ago I met someone who lives that life hard, loves just as hard, and has become an amazing partner to me. I have had some challenges during this time but it’s been a very successful year.
Earlier today, as I spoke with my sister, I added some comments containing tidbits of my current life. I spoke my truth as a student of this world, as one who seeks truth through both thought and experiment. I’m tired of filtering my sincere reality through my childhood desire to make others proud, and especially when the people I have in mind have proven time and again that they will accept me, and others, even if our views don’t always agree.
I’m polyamorous (or technically ambiamorous), still more in theory than in practice, and sometimes I still struggle with how this plays out in my life. I have a supportive family, an amazing partner, and I love them dearly.
The Now, Not the Then
Today, with these words, I release who I was and choose to fully embrace who I currently am. There is still a lot of overlap, but the ‘now’ is always going to matter to me more. I’m too old to live any other way, and yielding to any of those youthful motivations doesn’t feel like an honest representation of my own current truth.
Experiment. Understand. Evolve. Love all you can, and the good ones especially. Dan is dead, long live Dan.