This weekend I came close to damaging something that really matters to me. It was not a good feeling.
Let’s start with the outcome: I currently believe it was not irreparably damaged. I lead with that because I want to instead to focus on other factors, both in my writing and as this is read by you, or by myself in the future. With that stated, let’s dive in.
There are many ways things can be lost or damaged, but when people are involved miscommunication is often at the heart of it. Sometimes it can be incompatibility, or betrayal of some kind, but miscommunication between people who legitimately are trying to do their best is still a huge catalyst. It’s a tragedy when this occurs.
I’ve recently been reading about attachment styles. I have done so much work on myself over the years and I’m very proud of the person I have become. All of that said, I believe I still have an anxious / preoccupied attachment style. When I feel like a situation has occurred that puts something I care about in jeopardy, I do get anxious. Sometimes the anxiety further reinforces that unfortunate situation. Something that started as a misunderstanding could easily snowball into something more.
I don’t like this about myself and I do actively work to change it. In all honesty this is probably the character trait I least like about myself. I think it’s easy enough to acknowledge this reality but when it manifests in a situation it’s also easy to forget about the impact it might have. I own that this is a part of me and that it very much has an impact on how I interact with people.
Another challenge arising from miscommunication is when both people are unknowingly trying to work towards different positive ends, both destinations are incompatible with each other, both people believe they have spoken enough words to illustrate their point, and both are frustrated that the other is not understanding. Both want health, both want the best; neither understands why progress isn’t being made. Gaps like this are painful and frustrating. They can be overcome, with love, patience, and intent. If you find yourself in such a case I hope you can find your way through it
I like to solve or resolve problems; this is both a blessing and a curse. When there is miscommunication I endeavor to get to the bottom of it, quickly. This weekend I was reminded of a very significant truth: sometimes you need to hit the pause button, table something, take a break, and come back to it later. Sometimes disconnects don’t have immediate resolutions. Sometimes one or more participants in a discussion are out of steam, or frustrated, or just not in a place or mindset to move things forward. After a reset, there might be a more successful environment for finding common ground. When that time is not granted, even for well-intentioned reasons, the likelihood of common ground or reconciliation is vastly decreased.
Up next: things that are true, are true. Questions that are answered, even when voiced in the full belief of truth, can still be incomplete or false. This can happen when certain facts are old and forgotten, or simply not at the forefront of the brain. An answer spoken in honesty with a pure heart may still not accurately represent the entirety of a situation. As humans, especially humans who care about each other, I would like to implore all of us to keep an open heart and mind towards such things.
In my opinion, forgetting something when you answer a question, intending your answer to be complete, is not a lie but at the same time neither is it fully true. It’s moments like these where compassion will be the foundation of successful resolution. Digging into a situation and determining if there is malice, or if it’s an honest mistake, will impact whether friendships or relationships survive. Malice should not be overlooked nor easily forgiven, but honest mistakes do happen. Conversations can occur, and answers can be amended. Common ground can be found.
If you are reading this and there is anything between us that needs discussion or clarification, please know that I am absolutely willing to step up for that. Good connections in this life are hard to find, and important to foster. If someone is important to you, you find yourself in tension, and you don’t know for a fact that malice is involved, maybe see if you can view their position from another point of view. Apply an intentional perspective lens of good intentions, and attempt to view it from the best possible vantage point instead of letting your imagination dance with the worst. All of these are things I ask and also things I try, and will commit to continuing to try, to remind myself to do the same. Connections are far too precious to be lost on an inaccurate assumption, or on different understandings of words spoken and heard. Misunderstandings, with love and compassion, can yet become accurate understandings.
It has been a tough couple of days. I don’t have a great number of things that are precious to me at this point in my life and the idea of negatively impacting one of my few was like a slug in the gut. I led this article with that fact, and I will close with it again; I believe it will be okay. The fact that this is now living in my brain is a reminder that life and connection are precious, and we should not take anything we have for granted. Things, material or personal, can be lost in the blink of an eye. Hold on to those that matter, grow them, cherish them, nurture them. When possible, live in compassion, open-mindedness, and flexibility without being a pushover, or taken advantage of. Life is hard; as long as you can trust their motives, keep the people in your life that can help make it better.