The only thing I control is myself. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even control that, but the sphere of my direct influence of control is limited to me, myself.
I can work to shape my thoughts. And after I shape those thoughts I can work to integrate the things I expose myself to, or the new directions I put before myself. While it’s true that I might get to influence those around me, I am not their change, nor can I be. At most I get to be a catalyst for something within them, where they control and shape themselves. In the same way, no one else gets to change me, but I might take inspiration from those around me.
I often examine the foundation upon which I build my life, my reality. Sometimes I see gaps that need filling. Sometimes I ask hard or awkward questions to try to fill that gap. I need to be able to trust my own foundation, which hinges on my own recollections and interpretations. I used to have a steel trap of a brain but after a few concussions that is no longer the case. If I doubt my own memories or position on something it requires exploration. You can’t build a strong house on a weak foundation. The house is mine, the foundation is mine too. These are all that I control and they are under my charge.
Sometimes I will have certain understandings with people regarding aspects of my life, or theirs, and they honor their side of the agreement; sometimes they don’t. Even in the cases where they do, sometimes there are areas just outside the agreement that weren’t addressed by the understanding; or maybe they actually were. Sometimes one understanding gets shaken and causes me to question the details of my other agreements with other people. This is unfair but I know that it happens. (also, overthinking much??)
Understanding what the agreements actually are is important to understanding the shape of my life foundation so when I find myself doubting the words of my memory I need to reexamine or revisit them with people. This might come across as disrespectful or clumsy, and I own that about myself, but it’s really rooted in a desire to understand and respect whatever we’ve agreed to. Please know that as I’m continuing to engage with you this means I trust you and that this is me doubting my own memories, not doubting you at all. I hate that the concussions have impacted my memory like this but it’s my reality now.
I’m toying with a life built on the basis of three rules.
- Don’t be a dick.
- Honor your word.
- Everything is made up so do whatever the hell you want as long as it doesn’t compromise the first two.
This invites a life of freedom, enjoyment, exploration, support, adventure, and honesty.
Those might become my personal rules for myself. I would add another one as I support my people, and that is to support my friends and loved ones in their entire glorious existence. Life is short on this planet, we need to thrive and not hold back unnecessarily, and I want to not hold you back in any way. I want to celebrate you, support you, and embrace your being. We need to find ways to move forward from clumsy conversations or be such awesome partners and people that we avoid those clumsy conversations in the first place. Hold on to what matters. Let go of that which doesn’t.
I have no authority over any other human and nobody reports to me. All I control is me; all I want to control is me. Live your glorious life and please try to embrace me in any well-intentioned awkwardness I bring. I’ll do the same in return.