I was recently asked whether I was polyamorous, whether I was a tourist in that exploration, or whether I was just someone who enjoyed dating around (not that this currently happens much). In the context of the asking, this was an absolutely fair question. It’s good to have context for engaging someone and to understand their motives.
I’ll do my best to answer this question now. Some of my thoughts on the matter take the form of questions. Bear with me, this is part of my way. To understand my answer, especially on a matter like this, is to also understand some of my process.
A Couple of Honest Questions
I ask a question: Is to live something, to also be that something? If you’re sincerely living it, and sometimes waver in your comfort, does that take away from what you’re doing? If you move to Antarctica but have days where you feel it’s hard and maybe you’d like to be somewhere, you’re still in Antarctica. If you are committed to making art and some days you don’t create art, I think you’re still making art.
Does having moments of weakness or failure as you claim to be something negate being that something? On this front, I look to religion. The majority of humans in the world claim some kind of faith. These faiths have commandments, guidelines, rules, or ways to live. Most or all of these faiths understand that part of being human is to fall short. In the first-ever Bible quote on my blog… “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.” (Romans 3, 23-24). The Bible understands that people sincerely try and that people will fail. They will fail a lot. Other faiths and spiritual practices understand this as well, yet welcome practitioners and provide a way forward.
Where I Am
I made the decision about three years ago to “try” polyamory. After a point, a few months in, I made the decision to “live” as poly, to “be” poly, as it would provide a much stronger foundation for success than only having decided to try. I had a lot of learning to do, and the feelings sometimes were slow to follow, but I would argue that identifying as poly, but struggling at times, does not make you “not poly”. I have done a lot of work; I have examined a lot of feelings and thoughts. At this point, the ship has sailed. I might live in monogamy again, but I have a newly wired brain. I am living the poly life, I am training my brain and heart in poly. I am inspired by the connections I see poly people have. I want to join them in that life. I am poly.
Practice makes perfect, but in this pursuit, there is no perfect. Practice makes improvement. Continued practice makes continued improvement. In practice, we fail. In practice, we improve. Eventually, in practice, we succeed. I have practiced sports. I have practiced photography. I have practiced math and science. Doctors, for their profession, have a “practice”. They are still doctors. I have chosen polyamory. I am living polyamory. I fail, I practice, I improve, and I both succeed and will succeed.
What Can Improve?
There are things I will be improving or changing in my poly life.
The first is that I wish to appreciate any “firsts” that I get but to let go of that being of paramount importance. It’s a kink I have, introducing people to something new, but that being hard-and-fast doesn’t work with polyamory, where the whole idea behind polyamory in the first place is the diversity of humans, experiences, and connections. Progress on this front requires a choice and then reinforcing that choice over time.
Additionally, when boundaries and expectations are established for a life or a night, I need to practice flexibility. Sometimes we can have a plan but reality takes us outside that plan. Maybe it’s an unexpected opportunity, or maybe it’s a miscommunication, but taking this kind of change in stride is going to be paramount to success. Again, this is a choice, a choice to release a notion of what things could or should be. It’s choosing to trust that my partner cares about me, loves me, and wants the best for me and that all of these things are true in return. Life never plays out exactly like we think it will; I need to not hold it to that kind of impossible standard.
Communication, but this is true of all relationships any time, ever. With a partner we need to do what we can in advance, in the moment, and after any times that need it. We need to do it with a heart of love and an understanding that two people together are a team with each other’s best interests in mind. We need to communicate meaning, not just words. When words need defining or explaining then let’s do that so we can be taking part in the same discussion.
I have to examine my hopes and expectations about time. Poly people are notoriously busy and as new relationships come and go, as old relationships continue, and as personal and friend time is added, the calendar of a poly person gets full. I’m used to an increase in time-spent as a relationship matures. Poly time almost works the other way. As comfort increases, as new relationship energy fades, then is found again elsewhere, different factors pull for someone’s limited time. Living together with a primary partner would assist with this (addressed below) but doing some soul-searching on this matter is definitely in the cards for me.
I feel compersion already for my partner. I can do better at this, and I can find better ways and times to express it, especially if it has any personal discomfort paired with it. I want the best for people in my life and this very much includes anyone I would call a partner. I have fallen short on this one at times, lost in my own processing, thoughts, or emotions. I want to support my partner(s) and share with them the richest life possible, even with experiences that do not originate from me, or that might step into areas that might have traditionally existed only with me in a monogamous dynamic.
What Else Might Help?
Finally, as I look at what factors might help me move forward here are some thoughts.
I like the idea of building a life with a partner. This includes cohabitation and some level of shared financials and shared decision-making. Living with a partner brings all of the incidental time like morning hellos, kisses, or hugs. It brings advice and new music. It invites a presence on most days.
It does not request nor require social or sexual exclusivity; it understands that by definition these aspects will NOT be a part of such a life. That said, their other social interactions will touch my life and I have come to relish these connections more and more. All of the little things add up and they do make a difference.
For me, living apart from a poly primary feels a lot harder. If you’re my person then I like the idea of sharing a roof.
My past two long-term relationships involved each of us having our own rooms. This would continue to be the case but I would also encourage shared nights at times. Cuddling, and falling asleep together, can help foster comfort and emotional safety. My last two lacked this last aspect and focused mainly on sleep. I would like to find a middle ground on this.
Conclusion
I am practicing and I am improving. Life involves constant change and polyamory is the direction of my own largest recent change. I’m living it, I’m integrating it, and I’m getting better at it.
To answer the original question: I have no intention of being a tourist and I prefer genuine interactions and connections over casual dating, although I am open-minded and open to exploring the richness of people and life.
I am living the poly life. I am choosing to improve myself within this life.
I am poly.