I have done a lot of things with my time on this planet. At various times, I’ve sunk into a passion or a lifestyle in pretty serious ways. I’ve been a math kid, a multisport athlete, a devout Christian, a musician, a freestyle biker/blader, a rivethead, a kinkster, a hockey player, a motorcycle rider, a poker player, a psychonaut, a pretty serious photographer, a writer, a software engineer, and more.
I feel like I can slip into most scenes, fitting into a huge variety of environments, but part of what this has brought at times is a weakened sense of personal identity. Someone in my past shared that it seemed like a lot of my flavor came more from my surroundings than from myself; despite their affection for me, it wasn’t intended as a compliment. This has bothered me at times because the way I engage the world is both calculated and sincere. I try things, I keep some of them, I leave others behind.
There is a discomfort in feeling like I don’t really identify with a lot of the things I’ve done, sometime for years. Saying that I’m a photographer or hockey player feels incomplete. Those are parts of me but where some can find identity within a subject, hobby, pastime, or lifestyle, I don’t personally feel that resonance.
It turns out that what truly makes me satisfied is learning about myself. Pushing my own boundaries, learning my limits, learning what I like and what makes me tick… this is me.
I’m the Experiment
I’m an experiment, and I’m also the experimenter. Leaning into this truth feels genuine and healthy, even giving me a sense of place and purpose.
Is there something I want to try? Let’s try it. Is there something I don’t naturally like but that matters to me? What happens if i try to like it anyway? Is that disingenuous or is it a curiosity and intentional evolving? I often choose to go with the flow and see how I feel about something new. Sometimes I like what I experience, and the things I don’t like don’t need to be integrated. I can try them and leave them behind. I’m looking at you: beer, wine, country music….
I am a self-experiment, tinkering with my own machine. I am the artist of my own creation, refining, adjusting, discovering. Who am I? My only answer is “the me of the now”.
It was during my last writing that this clicked. My greatest joy is personal growth. Can i be a chameleon? Yes. Can I absorb the flavors around me like tofu? Also yes, because adaptation and experimentation are core parts of who I am.
I am evolving, because I am an experiment of my own choosing, and learning about myself is both the thrill and the reward.