One of my good friends, through self-diagnosis, has decided that they land on the Autism spectrum. This has helped her understand herself and aided in her quest for personal understanding. With various labels retired, for good reason, the accepted phrase is being “on the spectrum”. It’s an abstract phrase, likely intended to carry less stigma than what came before it, and it also catches a much broader, um, spectrum of individuals in its net.
One day this particular friend told me that she thought maybe I was on the edge of ‘the spectrum’ as well. I’ve never been diagnosed as such but I agreed to take some online tests. One test suggested I might be within spectrum range, the other test put me outside of it. From a “statistical sampling of two” and her gut feeling, coupled with my own, it’s quite possible I’m on the edge of this spectrum.
I have a lot more research to do into what this might mean or things it might explain in my world but it does give me a lens through which to differently view myself. Some of the ways I work are different than the norm, and looking at myself through new eyes can help me make sense of that little better. Let’s explore…
Respecting boundaries is very important to me. There’s black, there’s white, and there are grey areas. Black is easy to navigate, white is too, but grey areas get tougher for me. To reduce the greys, I have been known to ask direct questions to help understand what the black/white zones actually are. I understand (now) that sometimes these inquiries can come across as off-putting, although they were always made out of respect. If I know what territory is black then I won’t go there; that is a conviction. For me, existing in the white zone means respecting whomever I’m with and it is a peaceful place for me to be.
In my life I have very often treated grey zones as being black, off-limits, not wanting to offend or cross someone’s unspoken lines. I have no doubt that I have missed out on a lot of opportunities due to an abundance of overzealous caution. Knowing this, over time I sought to learn and better understand my landscape. What works in a situation or with a specific person? What doesn’t? I might never explore anythign close to someone’s entire white zone but I might have at least a notion of what it is and how to respect it. Learning these boundaries and parameters can involve inquisitive questions. Yes, this has at times been awkward. Yes, I’m continuing to work on reducing the awkwardness.
Questions are questions, and asking a question is not the same as stating intent. Knowing that someone is comfortable riding in a car up to 120mph doesn’t mean we’d ever approach that if I drive. Knowing someone gets too cold in the house below 70 degrees provides information about comfort. Having information about something doesn’t mean it’s going to happen but it does paint a picture and provide some structure, structure that helps someone like me function. I won’t go above 120 with you and I’ll try to keep the house above 70, check. That fits my framework.
Sometimes people have different definitions of terms. Sometimes I feel like I’m being pedantic and seek to clarify words, intentions, so as to be able to agree to something or adhere to a request. Words matter, definitions matter. After you get hurt a few times, thinking you’re having the same conversation but really on vastly different pages, precision of language and definitions become more important. “I’ve been burned before, now I’m going to over-communicate to make sure that we’re on the same page”
People are also used to a lack of transparency. A lot of people simply don’t say what they mean, or they have ulterior motives. This results in a default conditioning in a lot of people of having to read into things that are said.
My best comfort zone exists in using words that state what I mean, and trying to interpret words at face value. I want my words to stand on their own and with full meaning. I want you to not have to guess about that which I’m saying, nor my motives. When words already spoken paint an incomplete picture I invite clarifying questions, which I’ll also answer as frankly as I can. I understand that the way I’m wired can come across as a little robotic, perhaps a little more stilted or a lot less fluid.
Being frank about my truth or intentions can feel forward, or TMI, or perhaps even threatening. I never mean any of that. I want you to know “here I am, here are my terms, I accept with joy anything up to and including what I say, and you don’t have to worry about me acting outside of whatever we mutually agree to”. I do my best with this and I also acknowledge the challenge or effort you and others might have in interacting with me due to how I communicate.
One such challenge involves coming to a conversation with me while bringing an interpretation mindset that’s calibrated for the public at large. If you’re conditioned to have to read into the words and motives before you and I’m doing my best to present my words as standalone meaning, then you can very easily take something away from an interaction with me that I never intended to convey, something that might be very different from taking my words and intent at face value.
Say what I mean… mean what I say. Say what I’ll do… do what I said I’ll do.
You – “Hey man, when Bill said ‘so and so’ it really meant ‘such and such’. You just said ‘so and so’ and I’m going to view it through that lens, really interpreting it as ‘such and such’.”
Me – “But that’s not what I said. I told you what I said. I said ‘so and so’.”
You – “Yes, I heard you, but in my experience that means that someone is trying to be nice/shady/subtle/manipulative/humble and they really mean ‘such and such’, so that’s how it’s resonating with me.”
Me – “I acknowledge that, but I still said ‘so and so’ and meant ‘so and so’. I don’t know any other way to communicate that other than with the very words I meant to say!”
Now that I’ve said all of that, I’m not actually a huge fan of this black and white comfort zone. I would very much love to spend more time living in the grey. It’s more organic, it gives any situation room to develop and to grow more naturally. It’s less robotic, more fluid. This is all great. This is valuable. This is also harder for me to navigate than is something more structured. I do my best, but please understand that sometimes I’ll stand in inaction on the doorstep of your lightest of greys, frozen in concern or respect, and not cross that white-grey threshold.
I’m an open-minded brain-chemical-plant of a space-mammal we call human. I’m open to a lot of things, I’m closed to some things. My goals are personal peace and exploration, happiness, stimulation, creativity, growth, and to respect the rights-and-lives of others. The white area I have for engaging people is pretty broad, but it will only ever manifest in ways that overlap with their own white area. Maybe you and I can choose to explore some grey together, and if we do then we will probably talk about that, probably a lot. Being open to opportunities is one thing; actions and how we treat people are what matter the most as we navigate our mutual and unspoken social contract.
What matters to me, personally, as I interact with you? I thrive on quality time… that someone is choosing to spend their own valuable time with me. I appreciate the heart behind gift-giving but this one isn’t up there for me. Acts of service are appreciated. Words of affirmation go a long way. Touch is nice. Sexuality can be divine but I never want to risk or complicate a dynamic that’s otherwise good and healthy. We can entertain or discuss such things and then walk away from them if they are not a fit. If it comes up and that conversation is a complete non-starter I can easily release that and take it in stride. I worry that even sharing that last bit can make people feel awkward but my goal is to offer respect and to respect boundaries. You don’t have to read into my words to find my true meaning or intent; these are the words I’m saying and they are what I mean.
Someone choosing to give me their time is the best thing in the world. The world I share with you, as an individual, is the Venn diagram intersection of my white zone and yours. The zone increases or shrinks as greys become white or black, as whites may change to grey, as greys may emerge from blacks. It can be fluid, but I really, really try to live the land of mutual white. Think whatever you, harbor whatever thoughts or intents that will but respect my stated blacks. I don’t mind if you live in my greys. I’ll engage you as best I can and, knowing how I am wired, I will do everything I can to live in your whites.