If I’m being honest with myself, I have compromised my ‘self’ as I have pursued my vision of a ‘together’. I have done this with my time, my money, my energies, and my overall availability. So much of my identity and so many of my desires have been rolled up into building a life I want, which until now has involved having a long-term relationship with someone who is my life partner, my companion, my lover.
Over the past five years, this has expanded into polyamory, but throughout that a huge part of my mindset and motivations has still been relationship-driven. Don’t get me wrong, I do still want some or all of these things but the more I learn and experience, the more I see value in focusing first upon the completeness of celebrating and nurturing the individuality of both myself and my partner(s)’s. This is something I have sort of always known, but seeing it in practice in several people around me has reinforced it.
The only constant in life is change. Change is mandatory for growth, and change is very often uncomfortable. We seek to hold onto something familiar, and growth means stepping into the unknown. Altering an existing fundamental belief is life-changing, even as its manifestation can start small, but ripples out into everything. In my last note in a vague way, I referenced releasing the hope of ever marrying my long-term partner, instead choosing to embrace the now, the companionship we can have, and to celebrate her individuality. This was absolutely necessary, this was sane, but I’m realizing that as I did this I didn’t necessarily intentionally extend the celebration of individuality back to myself.
I’m getting older, and I find myself still yearning for experiences similar to my younger days. I don’t fit into those worlds or activities as much now. I’m finding myself having an existential crisis of meaning, of direction, and of execution. I feel a desire to live so much of my life over again in different ways, but entering each day I have no choice but to start exactly where I am, when I am, as exactly who I am. I have gone from being an atheist to a devout Christian, back to atheist, to agnostic, to exploring Zen Buddhism, to relishing enlightenment and growth leveraging psilocybin mushrooms and critical thinking. I’ve gone from monogamous to Christian monogamy, to monogamous kink with a side of open relationship, to exploring polyamory, to a long period of being poly but functionally monogamous with very poly partners, to feeling a bit mono/solo-poly within a poly anchor relationship. I’ve gone from super anxious to less anxious, to only somewhat anxious, while also subjecting myself to challenging situations. I need more people in my life. I need more exercise. I need more autonomy.
This week I read the book “Solo” by Peter McGraw. It dives into a movement that rejects the notion that the pursuit of a primary relationship is life’s most important goal, and instead focuses on building and finding a fulfilling life, first and foremost, within one’s own self. Another book and phrase along these links is “Quirkyalone”, defined as “a person who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than date for the sake of being in a couple.”
Where society’s default is to expect and reward both marriage and monogamy, being “solo” is about living a life that is true to yourself, without a need for a partner. Being solo can involve having one or more partners, but the truth of not needing a primary romantic partnership is a core aspect of “solo”. For me, I like the ideas of being solo and I also want a partner, or more than one partner (as my life seems to be shaping up). My partner can complement me, but I do not seek completeness from them; I will find that on my own. That said, as one used to prioritizing my relationship commitments, finding a balance with having a partner as well as staying independent will take both work and intention.
The flavor of solo that appeals to me most is what McGraw calls the “New Way”, in that you may have a relationship, but it is open to taking nontraditional forms. “New Way” describes someone where having a relationship may be one desire of many, but for them it’s not a need, but the way it manifests can be sculpted to the specific individuals. This style involves living primarily for themselves, and as someone does this they also simultaneously become more attractive to others; both more engaging and more intriguing. They seek fun and fulfillment, while developing and bringing forth their own authenticity and genuineness. Within partnerships, it requires an increase in coordination as they navigate a combination of partnered and solo activities. When approached with a polyamorous heart, it requires additional coordination with other metamours and partners. Any individual partnership can determine the way they want to approach monogamy, physical intimacy, commitments, or time, both with the partner and with others.
Partnered-solos also bend the rules of the relationship escalator, defying societal norms; this involves approaching activities in an independent way, going to events or movies alone, living more independently, and often not cohabitating with a partner at all. Being self-reliant is sexy, with solos showing up full of confidence, not being needy. Regulating self-disclosure with partners can increase intrigue and spark, and all of this can result in spicier physical moments too.
Can I be complete in myself living solo, yet still desire a main life partner? I understand that any given relationship may not last, and yet it also may, but there is a lot of appeal to each of us first being complete as a solo. This is a huge shift from how I grew up and what I’ve wanted. It’s scary to let go of notions, to rewire from what my life-to-date has been, to embrace the uncertainty of tomorrow in a new context, but these notions are commanding my attention and I have to explore them.
I do want a partner to love, and to be loved by. I want a partner to support and to be supported by. I want to be a whole human, and for her (probably a “her”, or maybe a few people?) to be a whole human. Can i have the relationship I want and lean into the solo mindset? I feel that my partner is already doing exactly this, and over the past couple years has likely already been compromising on her own solo experience in order to be with me. This also suggests that if I also leaned into solo that it would be a boon to our dynamic, and not a challenge. It would even feed into her own autonomy and her experience of also being solo. While it would be nice to share expenses, have multiple incomes, and enjoy inheritance tax benefits, if those end up important to us we can find creative ways to align our lives.
Moving into a solo mindset, and supporting hers as well, requires me to refine my understanding and experience of compersion. I need this to be true across the board, even in moments where it relates to her enjoying something I would have myself craved, or might have even specifically wanted with her. We need all the good we can get in this world and I need to celebrate that in my life, and hers, and I need to embrace that with my full heart, in sincerity.
Getting off the relationship escalator, I need to be true, first and foremost, to myself. I feel like I can’t adequately support my current also-solo partner, my love, my person, without becoming more solo as well. Being solo often results in having more friends than when on the escalator and I need this. I need to prioritize my own well-being then choose to add to the lives of others, and this includes how I approach my desired life partner. This shift will reduce codependence and vastly increase a healthy interdependence.
Embracing compersion means killing the ego, or at least subduing and rewiring it. This aligns with Zen notions I already appreciate and enjoy. Universe, please bring good people into my life. Please bring good people into the life of the people I love. Help me cherish this and celebrate it, as I forge my own path, and as I walk any of my paths with others.