Once upon a time I was a devout Christian, my first 12 adult years (age 15-27). I was strong in my faith until I wasn’t; I still believed in God but I was struggling with making it all add up.
One day, towards the end of that part of my life, I asked myself if I believed in the Biblical version of Christ. I prayed to God, I reached out to God, but I found that the concept of God was easier to lean into than the personification of said-Creator in the divine human body of Jesus. I gave myself permission to release my hold on that “fact”.
After deciding that I was no longer specifically following Christ, I then decided that despite otherwise finding comfort in my momentum, in the church, that I could no longer consider myself a Christian. What is “Christian” without “Christ”? (yes, I know, it’s “ian”!) The next domino fell, my science brain was unleashed, and after a short while I was no longer even believing in God.
It was an exciting time, and also terrifying, having let go of the foundation of the past 12 years of my life. Still, I had a measure of peace in knowing that I would use my brain, my experience, my critical thinking skills, to move forward into life, and I have not regretted this choice.
I stepped into atheism, then explored Zen Buddhism to a degree, and then found myself externally agnostic while informally appreciating Zen. While still guided by Zen notions, my agnosticism had a hard time shaking the feeling of spiritual connection with other humans, especially as, late in life, I started my psilocybin experiences. Those were humbling and challenged everything.
Life, a series of beliefs and events, changed for me forever-and-continuously, on the day I that changed a single core part of my belief system.
This week I challenged another core part of my plan, of my belief system, of my desires, and of what drives me. I’m not ready to get into details yet, but it’s another one of those moments that will change everything for me.
I feel terrified and I feel peace. I’m having to rediscover opinions, thoughts, motives, and feelings about everything as I reframe my approach to living.
I’m feeling the weight of a life lived with missed opportunities and potentially misguided application of energies.
I’m feeling doors open, ones I thought were familiar but suddenly now requiring rediscovery.
I hold the key to my own happiness, my own peace, and I’m wishing I could relive the past 20+ years of my life from this starting point.
This has been one hell of a year, one in which I have processed loss, change, and massive evolution. I’m excited to better know myself, and to increasingly become who I want to be. I’m still me, but in knowing myself more there will be more peace about everything; my reality, my relationships, my friendships, and all my interactions. I’m still me, but I’m upgraded and always upgrading. I’m evolving.
I’m not who I was; I’m better. My history can’t be changed but it doesn’t dictate my future. Growth can be scary, but it’s the only way forward. If you’re reading this then I consider you a friend, and I am excited about to what is to come.
Please, friends, reinvent with me. Each day we start where we are and can choose where we’re going to go from here.