I’ve spent the last four years nudging myself towards and into polyamory. There has been torturously slow growth, as well as huge leaps and bounds; there has been blood, sweat, and tears. This week I was asked to consider what polyamory actually was to me right now, to be answered with specifics rather than a broad stroke. These words touch on both such aspects.
Polyamory is…
…a conscious detachment from the spirit of possessing another individual in any way, coupled with conscious willingness to engage with humans as is natural and as time permits, potentially forming meaningful and ongoing bonds. This includes interacting as friends or as lovers, and may include sexuality or not.
…supporting others to be as they are and as they want to be, so long as it’s healthy for them and doesn’t hurt others, and for myself to be as I am and I as I want to be.
…fostering a growing network of humans that care about me, and about my partners.
…finding peace in myself as a complete individual, and spending time with others as I want to and can.
…being willing and able to both spend time alone, with satisfaction, and to spend time with others, socially and/or potentially physically, and supporting that my partners are doing the same.
…actively supporting my partner(s) as they have other partners. If what I see doesn’t look healthy for them, then being willing to have a respectful conversation with them about such.
…not getting in the way of, and perhaps even being friends with, metas and understanding that friendship may not always take place.
…stepping out of my partners’ ways at times when they have needs or opportunities that don’t or can’t include me.
…a lot of things to a lot of people. Those involved in any given dynamic get to express their wants, needs, boundaries, and come up with something that works for them.
What I Want From Polyamory
I have spent too much of my life alone, and most of it while partnered. I work at home, alone. I spent 5 years in a relationship as a caretaker. I spent two years drifting apart due to poly, while married. Now that I’m redefining what relationships can look like, I want people in my life in so many ways.
In life, I desire one or more romantic partners; being ambiamorous, I can be happy only having one partner, or more than one. I’m much more experienced at just having one, and that’s been my reality for all of my time thus far in poly, while also having a primary/anchor partner who themselves has lots of poly traction. I find more and more peace within that dynamic, and if that ends up being how my life plays out, so be it. Dating is hard work, and harder for some of us like me, even if people think I should have it easy.
I want a posse, a friend circle, and it can take the shape of an extended polycule. People caring about each other is a beautiful thing and I need in on that more than I’ve had in life lately. Friends can bring laughter, resources, support, adventure, hugs, community. I’m not threatened by my anchor partner having other active partnerships within my extended circle; having a good feeling about someone who is spending quality time with my partner, is a plus.
Whether or not I have another partner, I will almost certainly have dates, interacting with people as makes sense and as we want to. Kicking back to a movie with a friend while apart from my partner and having that be relationship-sanctioned is a nice thought.
The ability to explore any spark in life, to grow it, to manifest it, has great appeal. Maybe the spark is art, maybe it’s human touch. The idea of having freedom to spark is a nice one.
Variety is the spice of life. In addition to being able to spark, I get to find spice in life through different personalities. I also get to learn about myself, and grow my understandings of what it means to be human, lowering ego and barriers while embracing tribe.
Me, Poly, an Anchor Partner
I specifically like the idea of trying to move forward in life with an anchor partner. I desire a strategic and romantic alignment with an autonomous individual who is a nesting partner, an adventure partner, a partner with whom to move forward together with in life. This could involve being married or not. This partner and I can count on each other more than on others. I would like to live together and align our energies and assets to build the best life possible, even as we have both joint and independent interests.
I want to be fertile soil for their soul, a place where they are free to grow as their authentic self. If they hold back for my sake, longer than for an adjustment time, then I want that to stop. I want to embrace my partner in their authenticity, or I want to cut them free from any ‘me-shaped restraints’. If they choose to compromise with me on something, that’s welcomed, but they need to feel like they are living their best life with me. If they aren’t, I want them to find their authentic self, and if it’s not compatible with being with me then we should wish each other well, in love, and move on in a different way.
I desire an active sex live with my anchor partner, with a dynamic of responsibly non-barriered. I expect non-exclusivity in sexuality, closeness, or romance, even as our experience of those things is unique. My anchor partner will connect with me and with other people as is natural, and as polysaturation allows. My hope is that our anchor relationship will hold, and it’s quite possible that it both can and will. I acknowledge that as other connections come and go, both our strength and time together may wax and wane, and might even end. I desire a wonderful and intentional continuance, but I accept this as a possibility.
I desire a best friend, with as much openness as is possible; openness comes naturally to me, but not necessarily to all. I recognize the autonomy of my partner’s brain and understand that sometimes I won’t get answers quickly, or perhaps even at all. In matter that affect me, or in agreements we make, I require honesty, and I would very much prefer to not be blindsided by drastic changes, when possible.
I want to be fuel to the fire that burns in my lover’s life, knowing that this fire also burns in directions apart from me. I want to feed off this same fuel from them in return. Cheer for me, I’ll cheer for you. Lift me up, and I’ll do the same. Let’s be the stability for each other as we explore all of what else life can offer us. Don’t take each other for granted, but nurture what we have.
I want them to be proud of me and I don’t want to be a secret as they live their own social life; rather I want them to be proud of me and show me off a bit, as I’d do for them, in pride. I want to be celebrated, and I want to celebrate my person. My celebrations of good people will not be limited to my partner, nor would I expect them to not also celebrate others.
I desire to be a scheduling priority, with at least one weekly date night, when geography and the madness of life allows, and hopefully more social time that includes friends. I don’t want to be in a partnership where I have to beg for time. If we are living together/adjacent, which I do desire in some form, the time we get between other activities is important to me and would add a lot to a shared life. This includes things like making dinner, even if one of us had a date after for drinks, for instance, or a quick hug and a nibble of food before starting the work day.
When things get tough, hopefully rarely, I desire to work through challenges with my partner with a spirit of love, as much as is possible. Working together, we can build bridges and feel better while doing it.
I don’t need to be close to all my metamours, or potential metamours, but I like the idea of trying to be friendly with those who are important to my partner. I dislike the idea of them being hostile towards me, or attempting to come between us. I commit to not attempting to veto actions or desires of my partner, understanding that I couldn’t even if I tried, and understand that sometimes we’ll need to take distance or face tough decisions as differing opportunities arise in our lives.
I desire to have similar-enough worldviews, and a similar heart of learning and love, an appreciation for culture, music, art, social causes, and people. I don’t want, nor need, a mirror but I want to be with someone who can both teach me and is willing to learn from me.
I want an equal in life, in love, and in respect, to walk alongside them, hand in hand into life, an encouragement towards richness in experiences and human encounters
Me, Poly, Additional Partners
I have higher standards for someone who shares a roof with me, joint assets, or a marriage commitment. I have less definition for other relationships I might have that don’t step into those matters. It takes time to get to know people anyway, so I aim to meet a variety of people and when I click well with someone, to integrate them into my life in some way.
If I had an additional partner, I’d like to see them somewhere between weekly and monthly. I expect them to exist as a distinct individual apart from me, and for us to lean into the bit that compliment each other well. It’s also very possible to have dates with or social time with people and not have it step into a label of ‘partner’. I will do my best to treat their mind, their body, their time, with respect. I would request the same in return.
People who are evolving have the most appeal to me. Have ideas, and be open to changing them as you learn more in life. Lean into your darkness and improve yourself through shadow work. Be excited about the opportunity to self-improve.
I expect additional partners to accept me and any relationships I have going on, as I will also accept them and theirs. I expect them to connect mutually with me as is right, and for us to explore areas with both find some type of spark in. Understanding that people have different interests, this allows for a wondrous variety of connections in life. Shared interests often bring emotions, and if a relationship manifests then that can be a glorious combinations of things.
If something comes up that impacts my anchor partner, then we all need to discuss, perhaps all together and perhaps not. My anchor partner might also find a spark with an additional partner of mine, and we might explore together what that means or looks like. There might be cohabitation opportunities that eventually arise within a polycule as well.
Drama isn’t a fit. I’m not a zero-strikes kind of person, but if someone brings drama and doesn’t make explicit strides to reduce this drama, I’m unlikely to stick around. Drama includes: stirring the pot socially, trying to come between me and my anchor partner, talking trash, violating boundaries. Don’t bring that to me, please.
I don’t need to specifically meet metamours for additional partners, although I’m certainly open to it. I’m open to being involved in special or spicy moments with participants as makes sense. I’ll look out for my partners and tell them what I see, and support them in healthy choices. I would hope that they would do that for me as well.
I expect disclosure of factors that impact me in some way; physically or socially. In turn, I would absolutely offer the same.
Conclusion
While I used to resist non-hierarchical polyamory it does seem to me as the best way to do polyamory. NH doesn’t mean the absence of a priority level for your anchor partner, or for others, but rather that you yourself are responsible for choices you make with your various partners. Decisions are chosen, not mandated.
Someone with whom I have multiple dates a week, or share a business or home with, will receive a different priority and intention than what I might give to someone I see once every two years, or even once a month, or weekly, or who has their own established anchor partner. What NH grants is freedom, and it grants others the freedom to engage or disengage as their own needs evolve.
Me, I desire a ‘nesting partner’, an ‘anchor partner’, a cohort in life. I’m coming from a monogamous background and I know how to be there for someone, thick and thin. I also now know I can do polyamory, and I’ve been living it in a significant way for the past several years, more intentionally for the past year and a half, and increasingly more successfully. So many aspects of it have finally clicked for me and I can state, in confidence, that I see and embrace the merits and ideals I see in it, and this evolving path.
I desire to have an anchor partner, to be that person’s anchor partner, and to support each other in the richness that life can bring. I am not, and never will be, their everything, nor will they be mine, but they are “my person”, and I am theirs, in love and commitment so long as we both choose it together as autonomous, non-exclusive, and committed individuals. I can be that and I want that in my life.