Two years ago I was in a rough place. My marriage was over and I was living alone for the first time in five years. The pandemic was still impacting life, and I was raw from a year and a half of attempting to step into a new social and relationship identity.
I was hurt, aimless, and a little lost. I was seasoned enough to know that happiness comes from within, and as I found any measure of connection with other humans it was soothing aloe on my wounded soul.
The Next Big Thing
Moments are good, but the next-and-current relationship I gave me a powerful, new, tangible experience of positivity. After being stretched so thin for so long, this was amazing. We connected well, then drew close. It was never going to be exclusive, that was established from minute-one, but soon we became each other’s “person”.
I leaned into it hard, sinking into this amazing feeling of connection and honesty. I was loved and I felt it. We talked about exciting future plans. This was something I wanted, and wanted very much. At first it helped to stabilized my hurting spirit, then this relationship became a core part of how I was steering my life. We don’t live together, we see each other a couple times a week, we interact daily and often.
In the shaping of my path, I didn’t slip back into a mindset of monogamy, but I see that I was tightly holding on to an interconnectedness that felt vital to my heart’s well-being. Even living as individuals, I found that I had connected a major part of my rejuvenated health, and most of my hope, to my dynamic with her. This is part of why people get married in monogamy, and some measure of this can be healthy in any established relationship (otherwise why are you spending time together?), but I was about to have a revelation.
Absence Make the Heart Grow
Last week my relationship hit some turbulence, perhaps the most we’ve ever had. My inclination in hard times is to talk through it, working it out; for various and valid reasons she chose space. This space was absolutely necessary, but with us in an unresolved state, this new distance was very hard for me. There were intense emotions between us, unpleasant ones and, in turn, this resulted in my lowest emotional state in years.
The confidence I had been building for 18 months was being tested. Not only that, but when I stared into the thought of a future with her removed from my picture entirely, I envisioned myself standing on an imaginary floor over a deep abyss, poised for a spectacular fall. I spent a couple days dancing with this thought, professionally unproductive, determined to somehow better my situation. I sought to nurture my wounded connection, but I had to deeply and truly examine that last, stark, potential reality I was feeling.
Fact: I had just spend 18 months being extremely happy.
Fact: My partner was at the center of a huge amount of that happiness.
Fact: Imagining my world without her in it left a huge hole in my vision, and this cut at my heart in a significant way.
I had promised to never take my partner for granted, and I let myself slip into these imaginings, curled up in an amazingly soft fuzzy blanket, completely sober of alcohol and psychedelics. I needed to intimately know and personalize these feelings, and I needed to taste this thought experiment as a wake-up call. In that moment of surrender and release I fell deep and I fell hard, partly in reaction, partly with intent. Untethered, I was free falling, and I didn’t like it at all.
I remember doing the time warp
Time Warp – RHPS
Drinking those moments when
The blackness would hit me and the void would be calling
Despite these bumps, my life was in a very good place, although unbalanced; this unbalance now felt both unstable and dangerous, and it had to change. Examining every feeling of attachment, love, commitment, loss, anger, remorse… all of it was cast into the smelting pot of my own processing, each thought and emotion increasing its heat. Still in emotional free fall, I began to burn off imperfections, many of which had actually been misguidingly nurtured over time. I desperately sought stability, health, perspective, safety, thrill, respect, and peace.
It’s astounding, time is fleeting
Time Warp – RHPS
Madness takes its toll
But listen closely, not for very much longer
I’ve got to keep control
The parts I wanted to change were disintegrating from existence. I released everything I could that was wrong, or needed work, and took a step to the right…
With a Bit of a Mind Flip
Entering a therapeutic level of high dose psychedelics, I set specific intentions. Eventually, I feel like everything that comprises ‘me’ is broken into tiny pieces, dusted on the ground like white specs in a snow globe. Unlike the fake snow, some of those pieces transform or disappear, and some new pieces emerge. As my trip progresses, I hold onto the pieces that serve me and discard others, rebuilding myself anew each time. What emerges is intentional and improved, and I have made huge personal progress with this approach.
I’ve described certain other moments of transformation as having something that is straining to find its place, suddenly click into place. It’s that moment where you just “get it”. It’s well-earned, by immense effort over time, but in that sudden moment the change is effectuated quickly and permanently. This can happen through introspection, meditation, and/or a whole lot of work. It does not require chemical assistance, although it can happen then as well.
With a bit of a mind flip ….
Time Warp – RHPS
Nothing can ever be the same
Last week, entirely sober, I had both a click and a snow globe moment. I’ve heard about people attaining psychedelic states through meditation, absent any consumption, but I’d never felt a transformative moment like this myself, to this extent, fully sober. I bottomed out and then I yielded to what I was being shown. I felt my bits dissolve, mourn, scream, refocus, click, and re-emerge. This time I came out with a new perspective, one of personal empowerment, and one of release.
Fact: I’ve just spent the past 18 months extremely happy. This is true, I was there for it, and I was a core part of every moment.
Fact: People will do their own things. Some will fail you, some will show up in strength. None will show up in a way you can control nor fully predict.
Fact: My partner is autonomous and a free spirit. To hold her too tightly is to suffocate her, especially in her times of processing and hardship. She needs to be released, continually, in order to for her to be free to actively choose me.
Fact: My partner has shown up for me, and I found hope that we would endure past this current hardship. When we first met, I came to her feeling a little on the empty side. Our partnership has granted me additional strength, and while I have leaned into that, I also now choose to lean into the wondrous strength of myself. I want to thrive alongside an amazing, whole, partner as my own whole individual.
As I am the only factor I get to control, I needed to find my footing, my peace, my empowerment, within only myself.
So I did.
Reshaped Reality
Within a single minute after the click, everything changed.
Desolation turned to acceptance, which then turned to peace.
“Finding peace within this other relationship” was replaced by finding sanctuary within myself, and me joyously celebrating that I get to coexist with my partner.
Celebrating people being themselves in glorious, full, positive authenticity became an important goal; this was for myself, for my partner, for everyone I care about, and for everyone else too.
The fear of loss was replaced by a feeling of empowerment. I am enough for me, and everything else is a bonus.
My partner and I are rebuilding our vibe. She gives me her time, and with additional meaningful conversations we have cause for a realistic optimism. Through this, I have reclaimed being the source of my own joy, peace, and satisfaction. I welcome my authentic partner to walk with me in power into the future.
I didn’t enjoy this past week, on so many fronts, but I surely needed it. My sense of increased peace is palpable, and my pursuit of zen spirit feels amazingly strengthened.