The first time, in love, when you lose yourself deeply in a passionate moment with your partner, when you let go and your spirit seems to be disconnected from your body, floating in a dream…
The first time you do psychedelics and see the world through altered eyes and brain. The time when you up your experience and take more than ever before, exploring brain lands that were completely unimaginable to a sober, conscious mind…
A moment of pain, of failure, of risk, of loss, where decisions were made that cannot be unmade, and your relationship with people or things that you value the most are damaged or lost…
…these are moments that transform a person. What was before, no longer is. Something shifts, for better or worse, and a marker is placed in your own personal history.
Sobering Reality
I’ve had all of the experiences I just described, but the most recent was one of the hard kind. I’m not going to get into the details because the event itself is past and the details would only propel it forward. Suffice it to say that I took something that was tangentially in my world, that was not about me, and I found discomfort when my own representation was lacking. Instead of rejoicing for the creation, in a moment of insecurity, I made it about me. I wasn’t the only factor, but I’m the only factor I personally control or have responsibility for, and I fucked up in my own response to it.
These moments are transformational for different people in different ways. For those impacted by my reaction, the transformation would be one of wanting to see less of me, or to not see me again at all. For a more meaningful connection, one I value immensely, it might result in a step back, and maybe a major one, temporarily or longer.
For me, it had the opposite effect. True, I have to accept and deal with this new distance, but having experienced this, having examined the ins and the outs, having learned from it, for myself I see an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to do better moving forward. That which happened will not happen again. Facing the sheer prospect of potential loss has cemented my resolve to make my determinations into permanent positive parts of myself.
There’s a strength in knowing that you made a mistake and you won’t make it again. Unfailing success is a nice feeling, but can also leave you wondering when you might make a misstep and veer off the tracks. Failure leading to earned success leaves you familiar with the ditches, the potholes, as you travel that road. You can recognize them better and avoid them. You know what they feel like and don’t want to feel that again. The missteps taken already have become familiar and if they start to happen again they can be recognized and avoided.
A Flawed Human
Don’t get me wrong, I like succeeding without failure. However succeeding through pain does indeed have a silver lining, provided all is not lost in the failure itself. I’m a flawed human, doing my best. Input from failure is a prod, a poke, a hammer over the head, for how to do even better.
If I stepped on your toes or disrupted your world like a bull in a china shop, I’m deeply sorry. I had a moment, one I am not doomed to repeat, but rather one I can move onward from and forever avoid repeating entirely.