I have generally been a good student over the course of my life. I love learning. I enjoy picking up a book and absorbing its contents. I know a lot of things related to my experience. I know that I don’t know a lot of things as well.
The things I know, I try to know them well and to seriously integrate them into my world. It started in academics, then it was in aspects of life; mostly religion and relationships. I grew up in monogamy and I hard-wired myself to do it properly. I trained to be the best monogamous partner I could be.
My Personal Kamar-Taj
The period of my life right after getting married was no honeymoon, but rather somewhat brutal. I was given the choice to immediately become unmarried, or to choose a new path of polyamory. I chose the new path, to not give up on my partner even in this changed dynamic, and then the pandemic closed my world.
I actively did not want polyamory. I knew I was comfortable in kink, or multiplayer fun, but the notion of multiple established and functioning relationships just seemed too complicated to be worth it; one relationship is hard enough. I didn’t really have a choice though, and I hadn’t failed yet, so I persisted. I read, I learned, I trained. I took psychedelics to loosen my brain’s hold on “what was and had to be”.
Over time, I found increased peace, but I still wasn’t really doing it right. I gave it my all and it wasn’t enough, or perhaps just wasn’t fast enough, to save my marriage. Still, I kept at it, and decided to continue this polyamorous path after the divorce. For this this was a choice, but not innate to my being.
Eventually I met an amazing, smart, and passionate woman and we connected famously. She has been poly since before she had words to describe it, and poly is so very integral to how she lived and how she shaped her world. It was a non-optional component, and I entered this relationship fully aware of this context, and this time I was choosing it with intent.
Still I continued to learn.
It’s been a year and a half, and we’ve had great moments and great talks. I have watched her interact with others, and seen others interact with her. I’ve watched others interacting with others within the community. I’ve seen both good and bad aspects of this sort of life, but most of them very good. With familiarity, I gained comfort, and I continue to gain more.
At some point my spirit shifted. No longer was I resisting polyamory, but instead I was trying to lean into it. It still didn’t feel fully natural, nor was it fully comfortable, but I had enough awareness and insight into it that there was to be no closing this box. I was Doctor Strange showing up at Kamar-Taj, seeking answers from the Ancient One, feeling solid in who he was and what he knew when he arrived, and being extremely humbled at the new reality that unfolded in front of him.
[I hope you watched both of these, it’s really just one scene in two parts, but it helps me make my point]
These two clips, together, offer a hint into my experience. A world had opened and with me as an equal alongside my partner, with my ego prostrate in humility, I felt my spirit’s eye open and my soul desperately scream out the same words from the end of the second clip: “Teach me!”.
Teaching and Learning
It’s not my partner’s job to teach me, but it IS my job to learn. I know this.
I’ve been absorbing all the material I can. I’ve been taking plant medicine to continue increasing my personal peace and enhancing my mental flexibility. I’m walking in community circles and experiencing this new way in practice. I’m humbled at seeing a different way to live and to love than I grew up with, or had truly ever experienced until recently.
In the past couple months I’ve had a couple of moments where things finally just clicked. After all the hard work, my internal resistance simply fell away. I still have stuff I’m working through, but it’s not about “Can I poly?” anymore. I’m a small being in a large universe and my entire being craves this chance to learn another way. I’m going to do the work, and as those around me want to offer support, wisdom, or guidance, I welcome this. It takes learning, and it will take practice. It takes staring into the face of fear, succeeding, and realizing that I had the power I needed all along.
I’m still going to stumble, I’m going to drive my partner bonkers at times, but I want to succeed, and I want to succeed while sharing my life with specifically her. My soul cries out for this new way, for me to find my place in it, and I sincerely want to do it right, to do it better every day. I’m committed to this new way, probably for the rest of my life, and I don’t want to make mistakes that spiral upwards into insurmountable obstacles.
And then the Growth
Through tears of humility, I invite all the growth I can get, specifically regarding polyamory, but truly in all aspects of life. I’ve already been additionally exposed to vicarious memories of global travel, to black culture and history, to cooking, to new ways at looking at how humans interact, and to so much more. Everybody knows a little bit of something, and I want to know as much as I can too.
My partner, my love, you’ve been a big part of this for me. You’ve been here for a lot of my transformation and I want you to continue to be here for the rest of it. I want to build you up and support you in all the ways I can, in spirit and in freedom. I want to interact with humans both with you and without you, and to celebrate you doing the same. I am malleable right now, and I feel immense power in my ability to reshape. I’m trying to rebuild the best version of “me” that I can, and I’d like to do that while sharing space with you.
You think you know how the world works? You think that this material universe is all there is? What is real? What mysteries lie beyond the reach of your senses? At the root of existence, mind and matter meet. Thoughts shape reality. This universe is only one of an infinite number. Worlds without end. Some benevolent and life giving. Others filled with malice and hunger. Dark places where powers older than time lie ravenous… and waiting. Who are you in this vast multiverse, Mr. Strange?
The Ancient One, Doctor Strange