I was recently one of five participants on a ShareDenver panel about jealousy. It’s something I’ve had to put a lot of work into over the years. The panel was well-received, and here are my notes:
Please introduce yourselves to our audience (Name, Pronouns, Your Flavor of Ethical Non-Monogamy, How Long You’ve Been/Practicing Ethical Non-Monogamy, Any other aspects of yourself you’d like to share such as age, race/ethnicity, sexual/romantic identity, etc.) [all panelists]
“To connect with my partner the most fully in my life, I must release her the most fully to her own autonomy.”
Dan, he/him, mostly straight, kink, swing, poly, cis male. Anxious attachment style.
Founder of Multipass event ticketing platform (talk to me!) and a visual artist/musician, and writer. My blog is EverythingIsMadeUp.com, my insta is @hackthelight.
21 yrs for kink/swing, 3 years for poly. 40s, demisexual. Chose kink, swing. I was comfortable with anything I did together w a partner, being included in the experience made a difference for me. I didn’t have comfort in experiences apart from my partner, or theirs apart from me.
I now identify polyamorous as well. I didn’t choose polyamory. My ex discovered her poly-ness just after we got married, and I had to get on board or split. As a science guy, I hadn’t yet tried that experiment, so I didn’t know if I could or not. I tried it, hesitantly then whole-heartedly, but due to factors like we’re discussing in this panel, plus bad timing with exploring this just as covid locked down the world, we also ended up splitting.
I’m currently anchor partner to an amazing woman, with no additional partners.
—
I don’t fight jealousy a lot anymore, at least by my own standards. When I do, it’s pretty much always in the form of feeling left out, or FOMO. Sometimes opposite my partner’s dates, it’s frustration that I don’t poly better, on my side of things.
What tips can you share from your experience navigating jealousy/FOMO that might help others own their own jealousy/FOMO without shame or turn jealousy/FOMO into appreciation? [all panelists]
Progress is progress, even when it sucks.
Having a tangible experience to draw upon helped me a lot, instead of just imagining. Imagining someone sleeping with your partner, it’s easy for the mind to go places. FOMO, loss, jealousy, insecurity. Sharing an experience, taking part in a group encounter, watching her experience pleasure and being happy for her, turned on even, was huge for me. Feeling respected by the other guy was huge. Being able to draw on that later in moments of insecurity was huge. This was a situation that included my involvement, but it was a vital stepping stone for me towards making progress when also not involved.
Mushrooms. The mind says yes, the ego gets in the way. Not small doses, but larger, therapeutic level ones. Set intentions
Acknowledge the reality of how you felt. It happened. Reality is what it is, and there’s no arguing with it. Then train your brain as to how you want to feel.
—
Don’t fight the big abstract J, jealousy. Identify what specifically you’re feeling and address that.
“I feel sad when my partner sparks with other people when we haven’t sparked in a while”.
Identifying it helps make it manageable, with clues and insights towards how to progress.
Maybe take these specifics into therapeutic level mushroom trips as specific intentions. I wanted to warm up to a partner’s intense new interest. “Send me his picture, I’m going in”. Or “I want to be more flexible when unexpected things come up, or are shared”.
Would you be willing to share your perspective as a marginalized/oppressed/othered identity as you’ve experienced ENM and jealousy? [all panelists]
I’m not marginalized/oppressed/othered, but I am fringe neurodivergent. My mind gets in ruts at times and they can be hard to break out of.
Affirmations from my partner are huge.
Talking about shared future visions are huge.
Having an ativan prescription has been a good thing. I try not to use it, but knowing that I have a safety net if I need it is very reassuring.
Dealing with “OMG I’m jealous, how do I change it?” feels mountainous. Reframing it can help immensely. Building a house is huge. Installing an electrical outlet is a much more manageable task.
Dealing with big and imagined thoughts like “OMG my partner is on a date and she’s probably falling in love with him and going to leave me and they’re probably fucking right now”…. isn’t useful.
Break it down, process it, then add to it.
My partner is on a date.
My partner is on a date and is happy.
My partner is on a date and is happy, with someone else.
My partner is on a date and is happy with someone else, and I support them.
My partner is on a date and is happy with someone else, and I support them, and I am participating by embracing this.
My partner is on a date and is happy with someone else, and I support them, I am participating by embracing this, and I’m happy for them.
You might get to all steps quickly, it might span out over time. Start by acknowledging facts, then shape the feelings as you can.
—
Writing a gratitude journal, notes of encouragement, helps.
Read from phone: “I could try to keep you to myself but I would certainly then lose you. You are what I currently treasure most in this world, but you are not a treasure to hold on to. You are a treasure to set free, to share. When I imagine my eyes meeting your soul, that is the truth that it screams, even as it also brushes my cheek with a fiery caress. I celebrate your freedom, and how integral that freedom is to who you actually are.”
This is an observation, a promise. It’s shared with my partner, and now with you. It’s personal reinforcement, something I’m now accountable to.
Compersion is a term commonly used in non-monogamous communities. For anyone unfamiliar with the term, compersion is also called sympathetic joy, or the experiences of positive thoughts, sensations, behaviors derived from knowing another person’s gratifying experience, even when this experience does not involve or benefit us directly. Just like you experienced joy when those around you won the number guessing game at the beginning of this session. How have jealousy and compersion been connected for you? If they aren’t connected, how do both jealousy and compersion show up for you? [all panelists]
They aren’t linked for me as much as they coexisted. I had to give myself permission to feel sexual or relationship compersion as I stepped into ENM as it ran counter to my conditioning. I still experienced FOMO, insecurity, doubt, touches of jealousy even as I trained myself into compersion.
Mushrooms, again, were huge. Reflecting on the fact that humans are not possessions, but autonomous, embracing the value of community, tribe, and singular external connections, and reinforcing within myself this in a diminished state of ego allowed me to make big leaps. It still felt like it took too long, but it was faster, like I was shattered and rebuilt with the pieces I wanted to keep. It’s not for everyone, but it has a lot of potential.
Reflecting on entitlement, again that my partner is autonomous and owes me nothing. Everything is made up, so I should choose the factors that work for me, while respecting the mind, heart, space, and boundries of others.
The writing I mentioned, putting all of this into words for the consumption of others, forced me to think about the details and articulate it. Once I saw the words that came from my own brain and my hands, it was personalized. Personalized truths are easier to hold on to, rather than “you should…” type directives, or someone else preaching at you.
When it’s your own words, your own voice, your own thoughts preaching at you… listen up and let it in!