Sometimes conversations with my partner make my brain do gymnastics. I try to not “go there” when it’s not merited but sometimes a couple words trip me up, even off the cuff, and I’m down the rabbit hole, often for the better. Here I am, again, examining everything I know about relationships. I’m writing this as an anchor partner, with an eye towards keeping it that way, and spending a long future together.
This writing explores the concept of sexual entitlement within established partnership. I enjoyed writing about intimacy recently. There was a lot more that could be added to that one but it was a good start. These are thought exercises that force me to consider things, growing ideas, forming my own conclusions within my own brain, and personalizing the conclusions I arrive at.
Let’s start with the conclusion: To have my partner the most fully in my life, I must release her the most fully to her own autonomy.
I have always been in relationships where both parties have made a mutual decision to also be each other’s physical primaries. I have had some challenges regarding sexual boundaries, all rooted in personal experience, where my partner and I have had different ways of addressing specific scenarios we’ve found ourselves in. Their way has been consistent with everything they’ve offered or promised me; there is no fault in this. My own way results from still having an emotional foot in my lifetime of monogamy training. There is no fault in this either, and I’m working to make changes to these reactions. Their approach is based on freedom, mine is based on a type of partner-promise that definitely prioritizes and attempts to protect a particular primary pairing, more related to emotional duress than relationship survival itself. The place we’re each coming from is valid, in the right place and time, but together it’s been challenging.
Old school thinking: I want to be good enough in my partner’s life that they don’t need to hook up with other people. But that’s not actually what this is about at all. I need to drop that mindset completely. It’s not a competition, and I suspect that I don’t feel much of what I wrestle with at all if we were anything other than anchor partners. For peripheral partners that might come and go, it’s not a huge challenge or risk for them to see other people, potentially fall for them, and shift their focus that way. When the idea is to build a life together, with more on the line, it gets scarier.
Compromises
People can choose whatever boundaries they want. They can choose to be each other’s physical primaries, whether monogamous or polyamorous. When in non-monogamy, they could choose not to get sexual with other people if their own sex life has stalled. There are reasons for these things, and if both are on board it can be positive. This is not the epitome of freedom for the partner that is opting to forego opportunities, but it also reinforces a commitment to the partner that might be overwhelmed or requesting pause.
What’s considered fair when the anchor partner’s sexual dynamic has stalled and one partner has legit chemistry with someone else? Being inactive with a partner while they are sleeping with someone else is one of the hardest things I’ve had to process. Whether born out of entitlement, promises, or desire, there is a great sense of missing out, especially if the partner-inactivity has been prolonged. It’s a hard topic, one that steps into one’s responsibility for their own feelings, the compassion of a partner, and support for a partner’s own personal and sexual autonomy.
There is the topic of personal freedom, and another of sensitivity to a partner’s feelings, perhaps resulting in some level of abstinence or modified behavior. Entitlement suggests one partner’s expectation of the other’s behavior simply because of the existence of the partnership; this is not healthy. Choosing to hear a partner’s concerns, and modifying behavior in a given moment can be a show of respect, and consideration. This sort of allowance doesn’t have to happen, but when it does it can go a long way for the partner that is struggling. It can reduce anxiety, it can build trust, and show support. That’s the spirit I would like to live in, without coddling. This part of my relationship has room to grow, and by that I mostly mean me. That said, there is potential for the troubled partner to abuse these sorts of concessions, resulting in some form of manipulative cock-blocking behavior. This is NOT healthy, nor requested or desired.
In some of my experiences, the act of one partner engaging someone else sexually can actually create a spark for the main relationship. In most of my experiences, resisting a partner’s external connections can help kill the main relationship spark, especially if non-monogamy was agreed to, and if this resisting behavior becomes a trend. In my particular anchor relationship, this is something I need to lean into rather than resist. That said, if we are not sparking then I probably don’t want to see my partner making out with other people, giving them an energy exchange that I’m craving. I get that this will happen, but I don’t have to be witness to that.
Possible Paths Forward, Observations
We are piles of sentient matter and have no inherent right to anything that is not ourselves. Even with agreements, even with invitations, there is no absolute right to another person. And in the cosmic sense of particles, what even is sex? Some collection of sentient atoms allowing pleasurable friction of some of their atoms with atoms from another sentient human. Why do people want it with other random people? Procreation aside, why does it matter who fucks who?
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Monogamous marriage is not guaranteed. Living is not guaranteed, in fact, quite the opposite is promised. So what’s actually up with all our human rules? Anyone can do anything they want at any time, including staying with you or leaving. You can’t stop them. It’s a gamble, a leap of faith, to invest one’s life in that of another. This is especially true when kids are not in the picture and social constructs are more flexible.
Working within explicit agreements that specific individuals choose to make makes a lot of sense. These agreements can be temporary or longer-lasting. Setting boundaries for the ways that other people can engage with you, that makes sense.
It takes a lot of trust to encourage your partner to go explore the world, hoping to come back to you. That’s a hard one. But why would I want to keep my partner from these good things?
Personal Conclusions and Observations
Any time a partner puts a social or sexual invite or suggestion or placeholder on the table I get excited. They don’t owe me anything and can change their mind at any time, but in those moments I’m not just making up my own desire, but rather reacting to a suggestion or invitation. I allow some sexual hope to manifest into those moments. Maybe it gets realized, and maybe it doesn’t. When it doesn’t come to pass, sometimes I feel a level of disappointment or sadness, but that’s rooted in letting go of that particular moment of desire for them, one that seemed mutually desired. There is no entitlement for me in this feeling; I spent years unwiring any notion of that. I understand that the expressing of desire, especially when rooted in our culture’s ways, can come across with that sort of interpretation, and I have started choosing my words with care. In this moments i want my partner, I crave my partner, I am then letting this moment go in love and respect because it’s not the time, for any reason whatsoever.
I tend to love my physical life with my primary partners. I love the roles we can slip into, I love the exploration I have found. I love dancing my soul with them in passion, love, and care. The selfish part of me wants to always be their primary physical partner. There will ebbs and flows and I need to accept that. I need to own that. I need to lean into that as a positive reality because it is inevitable. The polyamory and freedom which they desire and claim is offered to me too. I get to try something new. Why should I be nervous about this? Everything is made up. Variety is the spice of life, right? This should be exciting, not nerve-racking. At the very least it can be both.
I want to see sexual moments occur as they are available to us and I want to be flexible. If I share with a partner that I want our next time to be just with me, together, and then another exciting opportunity comes up in a different shape then I want to be able to adapt and not necessarily require what I had previously asked unless I really need it. At the same time, when I share things that I need, or desire, concerning how we connect, I like to know that I’m heard and my words are given weight, that my partner doesn’t just blow through them and ignore them.
Disclosure
In my ENM experience, my partners and I have general agreed that a broad-but-accurate disclosure, having a picture of what took place, brought much more peace of mind than what a shielded-wonder would carry. I prefer this to take place sooner than later as well. An early-morning 30-second conversation can remove a cloud of mystery from a -with-another. I don’t need play-by-play descriptions, but knowing how my partner’s other relationships are evolving actually does have the potential to affect me in a big way. I feel that I would like enough information to know what generally is happening, and what intentions are. I have also offered the same since we started down this path, and I will continue to. I am not innately entitled to this commitment, but I know it works best for me. If my partner and I have planned some kind of future together, knowing some of those pieces helps with discussions and peace of mind.
I want to normalize talking with my partner about sexuality, talking about experiences we have in some way. I feel so much worse feeling like something is hidden than hearing about anything at all that actually happened. I grant that through autonomy, I am not entitled to this knowledge from any partner but it is something that we could choose to do. Tiptoeing around this topic doesn’t feel like the best path to success. Reality is what it is; let’s work with that reality. And let’s celebrate each other’s wins. Let’s not keep each other guessing.
Freedom needs to be the foundation on which everything is built. I need to pick a good enough human such that I won’t be used, such that we can build a life together and then execute on it, adjusting as we go if needed, but not in ownership, entitlement, or fear. I need to be that kind of good enough human as well.
Personal Concerns about Dating
My partner’s have explored other humans, smiled with them, gotten close to them, and sometimes slept with them. I have been offered the same freedom. How do I get myself to want this? The one thing that I’m entitled to is exploring the opportunities I legitimately have. This isn’t granted by a human to me, but it IS supported by my partners, with enthusiasm.
I find myself asking that if I date, do they date more? I still lean first towards wanting my partner. It’s hard that everyone is after them; it’s flattering as well. Even any time that I wrestle with anxiety I am beaming with pride to be associated with them.
What happens if our spark goes away and doesn’t return, but after we intertwine our lives? That’s a hard question but it’s also one I feel I have to put some attention to now because it’s very possible. I don’t want to commit a life to my partner and then go haha just kidding, I can’t do this because we’re not sleeping together. I also can’t really imagine us losing our spark unless external factors get in the way.
That said, I have no problem enduring moments, short and medium periods of this. I do ask myself how much I want to stay in a long-term scenario where we are no longer physical. That’s not entitlement but it’s a reflection of what I want in life; a sex life with my partner. The farther we get into this relationship, the more emphasis I’m putting on the intimacy side, and the less the physical side matters, even though I still crave it.
Conclusion
This is a scary essay to write. I don’t get to write these words and then ignore them. These thoughts, these revelations, they can only change me. It’s my own voice, these notions are coming from within. Nobody is forcing them on me
My partner offers me intimacy. I welcome and cherish this, not through entitlement but through partnership and grace. I have always considered myself fortunate to spend time with people I care about. I don’t take a second I get with her for granted. I might need to alter my views, my words. Everything I have ever been hung up about is based in stupid, man-made constructs, and flies in the face of granting my person, my lover, the freedom she asks for and deserves.
There really is no answer other than that no human owns another. No human is entitled to anything from another. Every moment, every affection, every time spent, these are choices, they are gifts from one human to another.
Thank you for the candor, transparency, and personal insight!