“Intimacy in a relationship is a feeling of being close, and emotionally connected and supported. It means being able to share a whole range of thoughts, feelings, and experiences that we have as human beings.”
“Love is an emotional response that involves feeling passionate about someone. Intimacy is a physical and emotional connection that you have with your significant other.”
“Intimacy is often associated with physical affection or sexual contact, but it encompasses much more than that. Intimacy can be described as a sense of closeness, emotional connection, and vulnerability between partners. In addition, it can involve a deep understanding and acceptance of each other and a willingness to tell thoughts, feelings, and experiences”
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What is intimacy? The lines above are a starting point for what the world at large might say.
At first, it seemed frustrating that my partner kept asking me the same question: What is intimacy? I provided answers and yet she kept asking. I put time and thought and energy into my answers and it seemed like it wasn’t enough. Recently, the very explicit separation some people have between meaningful relationships that matter to them and sexuality, even if they overlap sometimes, has become more obvious to me. The more time that has passed, the more I understand why this question needs some intentional brain time.
Where I Started
I grew up monogamous and physical intimacy/sexuality was something people shared with their partner. That was it, period. They were not really separated as phrases or even as concepts. Eventually, I became more liberal and enjoyed some ENM experiences, together with my partner, sharing moments with others together. It was always with my partner if I had one, and if we had ways we wanted a given night to go, each of us catered to and respected our partner’s wishes. Our joint needs came first because that’s what we mutually chose.
The Factors
To answer the question about the nature of intimacy we have to acknowledge the co-existence of intimacy and sexuality, and also acknowledge that for much of the world, there is a huge overlap between the perception of those together. In my own world, in my own history, there has been a massive overlap between the two. They are not the same thing, and the overlap isn’t perfect, but they do certainly tread similar terrain.
The definition of intimacy itself is hard, with a few definitions that I found listed at the top of this writing, but here are some tangible examples of my own as to what intimacy looks like:
- Sharing space with a cherished human in peace, with the knowledge that they have your best interest at heart.
- Sharing truths, either historical or future-looking, that open oneself up to vulnerability.
- Sharing trips or meaningful experiences.
- Holding hands with someone who is on the short list of best friends.
- Having limited time and choosing to spend it with a specific person.
- Talking about events in the future, and positioning many of those events, substantial ones in particular, as being done together.
- The giving of oneself to another in ways that are uncommon; perhaps not unique, but uncommon.
- Trusting someone enough to introduce them to your friends or family.
- Trusting someone enough to consider making them a part of major life decisions.
- To trust someone with your animals, with your every possession, with your door access code, with your heart, with your future.
- Telling someone that they are your person, and then reinforcing them that via time-spent and actions.
- Loving touch, while curled up in bed or watching something.
- Sometimes sexuality, sometimes intense, in respect and love.
Practical Experience
That last one above, yes, I get hung up on splitting that one out. I have always wanted my primary intimacy partner to be my primary sexual partner, and I still do. I’ve experienced that double-connection with others before we met. I have also, multiple times, built a life of support and stability for a partner, to then watch them go explore their sexuality with other people, and having their interest in me disappear. That’s been a knife in my heart and I have tried to avoid that moving forward. I support their experiences with others but desired a special place in their life, being their primary partner (per the language/reality used at previous times). This was a mutual choice perhaps emerging from our shared intimacy, that said to each other that you are my person, my intimate person, as well as my main sexual person. Although shorter-lived, I have experienced this as well.
I don’t need to be exclusive but I find that the overlap in my own interest between intimacy and sexuality is high. I am most turned on by my intimacy-partner’s brain. I am most turned on by my intimacy-partner’s smile and body, and sense of adventure. Can I go physically engage another body? Maybe. The last time I tried, in ENM and while having an intimacy-partner, I came up short. The previous time I almost came up short. Every other play time for the past several years has been less than with my intimacy-partner, far less. I know it’s possible, but I’m still working on it.
Moving Forward
Sexuality is absolutely a form of intimacy to me as well, but certainly not the only one. Sharing one’s body with another, in love, is a big deal to me. It’s not the only way to share a body, I acknowledge this, but sexual intimacy with a primary intimacy partner has been core to several of my most spiritual moments, outside of mushrooms, and also sometimes on them. It’s a form of connection I very much crave with my intimacy-partner and when that part of my partner dynamic isn’t particularly active, I find it hard to know that my intimacy-partner is actively being sexual with others.
For me, with sex, there is usually some level of intimacy involved as well, specifically with my intimacy-partner. Other participants can be temporary, especially if we engage them together, but when sharing any sexual moment with my intimacy-partner, the intimacy is a power boost. I haven’t had intimacy with every sexual partner but if my intimacy-partner is involved (yes please!) then that particular connection for me is always amplified that way.
I do have successful historic swing/kink/open lifestyle experience and in those times my partner and I chose to prioritize each other and our dynamic. We participated to add to what we had, but it mostly didn’t exist in our lives apart from participating together.
Adding Emotions and Priority
I don’t yet have any personal successful experience with this topic and poly. Where emotions are involved, I understand that different people bring different things. When the timing is right with my main partner are on, our chemistry (intimacy and physical) is next-level. We can do this, have done this, and I want it with my main partner, very much. When we’re off, I want to course-correct it. In the meantime, if they are legit vibing with other poly humans, that’s part of what this is about, and I accept the reality of that. But I feel FOMO and I feel sad that my sex life with my love, in those moments, is inactive or reduced. I also understand that this can, in turn, feed a cycle and partners should discuss how to avoid this. I want to nurture the spark within my main relationship, and it’s very important to me for us to do so.
I have been examining myself and considering the notion of a relationship with top-level intimacy but lacking sexuality, and if I could or would choose that. It’s hard for me to want this when I know that the combination of both is possible. And yet some point, sex drive will give out, priorities will shift, and it will be intimacy over sexuality in the end. I’m not making “too old for sex” choices yet though….
If we allow it, intimacy can absolutely occur with multiple people at the same time. Each shape will be different. Each will have its own elements. With communication, respect, and trust, these can all coexist.
The Important Talks…
Where this goes with any given person needs to be a discussion between partners, but for the important connections, it needs to start by understanding how much the participants cherish the intimacy they share, the access and honor they’ve offered of their hearts and time. Including conversations about sexuality, especially if one or both desire this, is important and partners need to talk about how best to approach that, moving forward, with respect, and while honoring the rest of what they do share.