7g

My eyes disconnected, I’m curled up in a fuzzy blanket. My mind walked a landscape that danced on the edge of our definition of physics. At some point feel like I literally got pulled into some sort of junction that had a foothold in at least one additional spatial dimension, and one additional time dimension. Time stopped and I slide sideways into this new spatial dimension, without moving in the familiar dimensions, and I started a new experience in this new time dimension.

Tribal chanting, coupled with harmonies I’ve never heard before in music. Beautiful stereophonic rhythmic music, with all these mysterious nuances and semitones. Every sound had color, everything was crystalline but also rubber and undulating. I felt like I was experiencing the true language of the universe, and that I spent hours exploring it. It was beautiful and so humbling. But it was so much.

Did I touch heaven? The magnitude of the ecstasy and power I felt didn’t seem possible to contain within a human form. But there were no forms. Only the feeling of presence, thousands of incorporeal souls joined in ecstatic song, not purely acoustic but a fusion of intense-but-happy electronic music and voice, the total weight of such ecstasy not having to weigh upon a physical vessel.

After slipping out of the pocket dimension, the music that was playing on my speakers was nothing I’d ever heard before and I don’t know how it got there. I might have started playing Symbolico but that’s not where it ended. It was also the most beautiful soul-stirring sound I’ve ever heard. And I have no idea what it was and my Spotify history was not a lot of help.

I have a mind built for both art and science, and in trying to process what it was I was experiencing I was at the extreme limit of what my human condition could experience without cracking. I wanted to take better notes last night but I couldn’t work technology. Looking at my screen I couldn’t even tell if I was holding my own phone. The way the light worked, instead of the screen I saw about five layers of arcane occult symbols instead of what one would consider fonts, my brain interpreting the light captured by each cone in my eyes without knowing how to stitch them together for coherence, the device effectively encrypted in its visual dissonance. The symbols were dancing. It felt like a fusion of black magic and elite secret society technology.

Twice I tried to take screenshots on my phone, knowing which buttons to push even as I couldn’t read anything. I have two screenshots that are just black, and that’s both creepy and mysterious. I’m not sure what to do with that. Maybe the way I was mashing buttons triggered a panic mode in the phone that took a front-facing picture of some sort and sent it to Google or something as a measure for preventing things like kidnapping.

[A] joined me. She took a lot too, less but still heroic. I lived a lifetime, dimension-hopping, in no time at all. As an artist and scientist, I felt so moved, so home. My head was on her shoulder and I was exclaiming my delight, yes! My sober roommate considered calling out for external help, with the way I was reacting, but didn’t, correctly deciding that my reactions were ecstasy and not danger. I’m glad for that.

The roommate described this as taking a slingshot of the soul into the void, and that seems to fit. I stepped into something so hard to describe. I literally felt like days had passed. My eyes couldn’t read the glyphs on my phone, but after enough time passed, or I processed enough to return to reality, I checked the time, and mere minutes had passed. I danced with the universe, and it was almost more than I could handle. I’m so humbled right now and this was definitely a religious experience that’s unprecedented in my life.

[A] was initially underwhelmed by her experience at first, but witnessing whatever the hell I went through took her someplace and the experience, in turn, activated in her. She is so revived and rejuvenated.

Darling [J], [A] is my other person, some kind of combination of how [Ar] and [P] fit into your life. Last night wasn’t sexual at all but felt like a union of souls. I still want to build a life with you, that hasn’t changed one bit. But somewhere lurking on the side, in some dark mystical tower, exploring the fusion of reality and art, and also in my world, she’s going to be there. It may never be sexual again, and it might, but something last night tore down barriers, and with words we acknowledged something special that has been there for a decade, without shape, without a specific future shape other than that something is there, and acknowledged.

Everything I struggled with poly/sex/swing, none of it matters. You matter, I matter, [A] matters. But I’ve let go of the rest of what I’ve struggled with and I really hope it lasts.

I’m lying here in tears trying to dictate this. I tried last night and my enunciation wasn’t good enough to capture it. Writing literally kept disappearing from my phone after I took my notes and I don’t know why. It was like something was trying to prevent me from writing what I was writing, like my device was under the control of something external. I don’t think that was the case, it’s probably that that people under the influence of heavy psychedelics just can’t work technology. I was trying to reach out to a friend to let her know I was okay, after reaching out earlier in the day being less okay. The messages were jumbled and didn’t make sense. I didn’t send any of those because they would have been word salad ramblings and very much concerned a recipient.

I don’t know what to do with this experience and I’m glad that I’m even functioning. I’m glad I have a strong mind and soul because I needed all of it last night, just to hold on. Something cracked but didn’t break. I’m getting the breakthrough that I needed and wanted and it’s going to be the pathway that lets me get where I need to get with you, in acceptance and celebration, the unexpected and the expected. I love you so much and right now nothing can take us down, nothing. All of the struggles that just happened between us are going to bounce right off me because I heard the music of the universe and I spent days dancing there, and I felt community and unity and love in a way that most people will never experience, but in a way I wish for everyone to. It was outside of the language we use. It was experiential, and so solid, and at the core of everything. I’m an artist, and I went to school for physics, and somehow this was the fusion of all of it.

What I experienced last night will probably be singular in my life. If I have ever had a moment I will forever want to experience again, this is it. I want to go back, I’m not sure that I should. I might be able to take all the lessons that I needed from one visit, but stepping back into that level might be dangerous. I walked a line last night, tiptoeing across something, I’m not sure what, and on the other side was fracture, but also everything.

My experience last night doesn’t fit into my knowledge of how time works, or my knowledge of how space works, or my knowledge of what music is. I felt like I was given an invitation to crossover into something, some form of intellectual occult secret society stemming from ecstatic dance, the human condition, and science. Like I expect someone to bump into me while I’m walking down the street and slip me a card and there’s an address for some door in some alley where this experience is shared and people are doing research and finding ways to harness it, to expand what humanity is capable of.

I’m just a nobody, a nobody who studied physics, to a point, and makes light art, and used to make music on a nothing speck of a planet in a near-infinite universe. Whatever I experienced, whatever door opened, the things I can do would be welcome there and are vital there. I need to see if I can find a list of what music played last night, but it didn’t feel like it was from this dimension and I won’t be listening to it the same way with ears unfiltered. Maybe I heard regular music but my brain was open to it in a way I’d never heard before, filters down, heart open, science brain engaged, fascinated by what I heard and saw. For as dilated as my perception of time was, hours and days compressed into minutes, the pace of the music somehow felt normal, and perfect.

I hope I carry this experience forever. I don’t know what to do with it but I’m changed, holy shit I’m changed. But I didn’t break, that I know of. I need some eyes on me over the next few days though, to check in on me. This was some reality-bending insanity and it really took me to the edge of what I could handle. I’m still speaking this into my phone through tears, the next morning. I took around 7g last night. 80% golden teachers, about 12% was albino penis envy, about 8% was syzygy. It was prepared with lemontek, and we consumed at 5:18 p.m. and started to feel the buzz pretty quickly. When it hit, it dropped like a bomb. It was just before 6:00 when the world went sideways. When I had come out of everything, the days exploring whatever space I was in, it was somewhere in the 6:20 to 6:30 range. When I learned this I had to check what day it was because that was not just 20 minutes. I’m writing this 13 hours later, the next morning, having gotten at least some measure of sleep starting around 11:00 p.m.

Whatever I got last night was a gift, from somewhere. I’d experienced what I had considered ego death before and this was so far past that. This was a combination of ” not meant for human brains to be able to process” and “everything the human race needs”. It was everything I needed. I don’t know what other notes to write down. Physics broke. What I knew of language for how to describe the experience and the universe was so insufficient. I’m glad I stayed on this side of breaking, my mind really couldn’t have handled much more. The words I use here fall short of capturing the experience, but they are what I have. I know this was all in my brain, probably, but the spirit of mystery has found itself in me again, anew.

So now I have to get up, go get some food, and integrate this into my life somehow. I need more mushroom experiences but I need to give ones of this magnitude some space for a while. I need to process and I need to heal. I feel like I need to heal so much of my life, and I need to heal my most important human relationship. And if I really truly didn’t break, then I’m unstoppable in my resolve. Wish me luck, whatever happened last night was a big deal. A really big deal.