What an intense last few years it has been! From getting married to having my world immediately turned upside down, during a global pandemic, by having to rewire decades of learning as I stepped into polyamory. Poly always made sense in my head… for other people. It wasn’t for me until it was, and I haven’t taken a conventional path to get there. Perhaps, into polyamory, none of us have, but my road was particularly bumpy.
The Early Work and Ongoing Challenges
One important act was to continue to unlearn jealousy, or perhaps more specifically to improve my skills at jealousy management. When I was young, jealousy and envy were problems for me; I’ve done a lot of work on myself, and I’m happy to say that I don’t really feel much in the way of jealousy anymore. This is a wonderful progression! I do feel FOMO sometimes, and even that is decreasing in my life.
What I’m dealing with the most these days is the challenge of rewiring my brain from practices learned in highly coupled relationships. Even as my current primary relationship is very strong, it has different needs and a different shape. Some of the ways I learned during past relationships simply don’t apply or have to be modified. Commitment takes a different form. Support takes a different form. Freedom takes a different form.
Yesterday, I asked my partner to talk about our future, from an angle that felt new and important to me, but it came across as a conversation we have had multiple times before, and recently. She asked me to consider what factors made me want or need to have this talk again. To me, the talk was different, and well-intentioned, but there was a truth to her inquiry and I’ve spent most of my time since examining this. In considering my history I identified two areas that play into this: disclosure/openness, and affirmation.
Disclosure, Sharing, and Personal Autonomy
During past relationships, I’ve been cheated on, lied to, and had things that were obviously outside spoken agreements conveniently go unmentioned. There are traces of this in my life over decades and these have hurt. As twisted as it sounds, some of it was probably even well-intentioned, but all of it was poorly executed, in that none of it should have happened at all. Secrets have hurt, especially when they have involved my partner covertly dating another person. As such, the topic of sharing/disclosure has been an important one to me. Covert relationships have not been a factor with my current partner but my past experiences coupled with the fact that now other lovers actually ARE involved means that I have feelings to navigate regarding such.
I sincerely want to find a reasonable balance between privacy and sharing, with my primary partner. The other day she quickly took some personal space to deal with something. I didn’t have any context and I spent the day wondering if it was about me. We’d had a conversation right beforehand that could have played into that space being related to us; I simply didn’t know. She is absolutely entitled to this space and did nothing wrong. I didn’t press for details but it did quite impact my day.
I actively dislike the anxious attachment style I have (I consider this to be my biggest self-improvement opportunity) but my brain has this foundation whether I like it or not. Later, and for moving forward, I made a request for her to simply share, without having to get into any details, if something like this was not about me, or us, and this would let me put such things down. We haven’t had a need or opportunity to yet test this again but I’m hopeful. I’m used to being an open book, to sharing what’s on my heart if asked, at least as best I can. Other people choose independent processing time and that’s fine too. Finding this balance and drawing some of these lines is going to be important.
Affirmation
Another area I’m working on is affirmation. My marriage, until our poly journey divided us, was big on heart but short on encouraging words. I draw strength from acknowledgment and affirmation of positive actions, personal importance, and mutual intentions. Speaking with a partner and knowing we are on the same page, that we are working on something together with excitement… these things help drive me.
With other lovers involved in my big picture (whether hers or mine) these affirmations carry even more power. In my history, the romantic presence of others has always been the downfall of whatever relationship I was building. When new-person-energy has shown up I can fall off someone’s radar, even if I’m wearing their wedding ring. I know that my present is not this past, and I know that those are not the ways of healthy committed polyamory. The feelings related to this can be improved by both finding ways to communicate these affirmations better, and for me to continue to release my need, or desire, to have them.
How To Move Forward
My brain’s reactions and emotions are formed from my past experiences and I don’t get to choose how I show up at any given moment, although I do get to continually shape myself. My past has influenced whatever in-the-now condition or truth I bring. My personal work and progress over the last three years have proven to me that I can influence and reprogram my reactions, my instincts, and even the genuine nature of my heart.
In life, I’m used to having one singular relationship and nurturing it with devotion and dedication. The relationship that I’m in right now needs something that’s somewhat opposite, in that freedom is perhaps the most important driver. I can nurture what we have, but I need to do that by letting it go and supporting each of our autonomies. I still need to advocate for my own needs but all of this will take place in a different shape than I’m used to.
My partner had recently mentioned having semi-regular relationship check-ins, whether it was weekly or monthly. We haven’t done this yet in a structured way but I think this is a good idea, setting aside some time for exactly the sort of state-of-the-union discussions that help me feel like we are on the same page. This would reduce or eliminate having those talks randomly pop up at inopportune or unexpected times, knowing that an expected slot for them was coming soon. I want us to be healthy, happy, and strong. Sometimes I take the wrong approach but my motivations are good. With each experience, I learn, I integrate, and I try to do my best moving forward.
This old dog is actively trying to step into some new tricks and is succeeding. I do have the occasional stumble or step backward, but for every step back there are five or six steps forward. You can teach an old dog new tricks but it can take a bit more time, a bit more practice, and a bit more perseverance. I’m doing this. I’m not giving up. I’m succeeding.