I failed at something today, something glorious. It wasn’t a failure so much as making an informed decision to abandon something amazing that I had already finished architecting and crafting. For this writing the details don’t even matter, but it had a lot of moving pieces, it was very important to me, and it was epic.
I put a lot of work into it, so much work. This work spanned the last 6 or 7 weeks of my life and tapped into a serious passion. Today was the day to execute on it and at the last possible moment I decided to pull the plug. I decided a couple vital factors were not lined up well enough to succeed, and that to continue would be irresponsible. The actual number of hours or dollars spent on this don’t matter, but I truly did invest a lot of myself into this. To get this endeavor to its doorstep today, and then abandon it, left me without release and short on satisfaction.
What do you do with that kind of emotional energy build up, when you have poured so much into something, and then no release? This consumed so much of me, and I knew this would be the case, but I had an end in sight that would make it worthwhile. Tonight, after the reality of my choice sunk in, my spirit and emotions plummeted. Some people refer to this as a drop.
I felt very lost, untethered. My well had been emptied over time with the expectation of being refilled. Attempting this project was a conscious choice, an investment, one with acknowledged risks. While I considered that the execution might not turn out like I hoped for, I was not prepared for there to be no execution at all. I firmly believe I made the right choice, given circumstances, but this was one outcome I had not even considered. I am trying to navigate this with grace but I’m also acknowledging that there was a big emotional cost for this one.
All of that said, I learned a lesson today, I even learned a few. I built something with so many intricacies, with a relatively rigid structure, and that rigidity caused me a lot of stress at the end. If not for that stress and it’s ripple effects, I probably would have moved it forward. What I really needed was fluidity for this project. I need more fluidity for my life. This is something I have been working on overall, but this project didn’t have that fluidity at all.
So yeah, I’m trying to find grace for myself, and regarding all of the complicating factors. To be fair, this project was always complicated, and it had several potential points of failure but a big part of what knaws at me is that the factor that affected the overall outcome wasn’t even on my radar as a risk, although it probably should have been. The forest for the trees… the best laid plans of mice and men… or one of those things people say.
But grace… I will and must find personal grace. The only true failure today would be a failure to find precisely that. I would extend that grace to any friend, so why not to myself? To beat myself up serves no purpose. I’m going to choose to celebrate the process, the lessons, and some small wins that I was able to get from this despite the change of course.
If you can’t love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?