Compersion is a word that many of you may not know. I had never heard about it before reading up on and learning about polyamory. Before I get into my own thoughts about it, let’s start with two definitions I’ve found:
“Compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when their positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly. Thus, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness.” (source)
“The word compersion is loosely defined as the opposite of jealousy. Instead of feeling upset or threatened when your partner romantically or sexually interacts with another person, you feel a sense of happiness for them.” (source)
My Own Interpretation
In my interpretation and personalization of the words, compersion is the act of wanting the best for someone you love, even if you don’t directly contribute to it, and celebrating their happiness and success in achieving that.
The mindset of compersion is not what society at large teaches, at least not when additional romantic feelings are involved, but it’s a pretty great notion, and it’s one that definitely takes some personal reconstructive mental, and emotional work to embrace. We are humans, collections of matter in a near-infinite universe, and overcoming societal programming to embrace new notions that can bring collective joy and richness-of-life is an exciting prospect.
Compersion doesn’t manifest by simply tolerating openness or polyamory. It’s finding sincere joy and delight when someone you love experiences positive moments that you yourself are not the source of. Per the generally accepted definition, and the specific definitions above, it also usually has one foot in the romantic or physical realm. We are taught jealousy with our social conditioning, specifically where romantic monogamy is challenged. Living a life of compersion means unlearning that, and then learning the exact opposite.
A one-sided scenario, where one partner has compersion but the other partner lacks it, can be extremely hard. It’s hard for both parties, but likely more frustrating for the partner that already feels and lives it, as anything short of their own convictions can understandably feel like an unnecessary constraint. With patience, compersion can be learned, but it’s an arduous process. However, when both people sincerely have it for each other good things can happen in abundance.
We can celebrate the diversity of experiences that life brings rather than fighting or resisting them. When your partner has a date, a game night, cuddles, or sex, with someone else, you can choose to celebrate their win. Their win is amplified when there is no stress within your own relationship and amplified even more when you can cheer them on and celebrate them. One approach is stress, and one approach is joy; why not choose joy?
My Own Experience
My path into this change-of-being has been a roller-coaster journey. Since the beginning of my polyamory experience, I have experienced compersion but it has been accompanied by a larger pairing of doubt and my own personal fear of missing out. I received compersion from my former partner but I wasn’t able to return it without my own flavor of darkness and insecurity attached. This was one of the things that divided us. I have since done the work, I’ve paid the price, and I’m now at a point where I both understand compersion and actively choose it.
It is possible to rewire your brain, and I am a living testament to that, although the process of change is not comfortable. It’s a leap of faith into the unknown, but while also knowing that others have gone before, with success. I have done a lot of work on myself even in the last few weeks, both sober and assisted by seriously-transforming quantities of plant medicine. I have had to release notions of what might be and I chose to replace them with enthusiasm for what was actually taking place, or what might take place.
The journey with a partner is marked by specific moments, but far more important is the general arc that the relationship takes, in honesty, in mutual celebration, and in support. If I find myself wrestling with the notion that my partner had an amazing experience with someone else I can both acknowledge my own feeling, then focus on their joy and actively train my brain to an intentional place of happiness for them and even step into a vicarious or altruistic thrill. For me, this type of mental reshaping has happened over time, it’s had mixed success in various situations, but each time has been a step closer to where I want to be.
My Future
The doubts I once felt might return, and the fear of missing out might return, but they will never return with anywhere near the same power they once had. My current progress feels pure. I want happiness and love and success and joy and ecstasy for my partner. She wants that for me. I will join her in all aspects of life that make sense, and I will also celebrate our independent opportunities and successes, platonic or romantic.
I’m starting so much further ahead than when I had to try to integrate polyamory into my nascent marriage. At that time I certainly didn’t have any kind of lock on this compersion thing and its mild success didn’t rise above my doubts and insecurity. I’m thrilled that my current partner has enjoyed both me and our time together, and that she has had patience with me as I continue and complete my integration. She has explicitly shown me compersion, and I have received it. It’s been hard at times to receive it while knowing I wasn’t yet reciprocating it with the same success, but it’s been a magnificent vote of trust. Her spirit has been inspirational and something I choose to personally strive to emulate, in my own way.
Recently, I have felt things click; I can reciprocate, and I can celebrate the entirety of her positive experiences. Some of this has yet to be confirmed in practice, but I’m old enough to know when a change has happened within. This reaction within me has changed.
As we move through life we are faced with choices. We have ways that we are wired but we can change them. Sometimes change is slow. Sometimes, after progress has been slow, that change can be assisted or accelerated. Sometimes the tectonic plates of the mind shift and make a specific change’s presence undeniable.
I sincerely feel like a switch has flipped within me and, while it would be arrogant to claim full forever success, I don’t feel much struggle with this topic today, or for the past few weeks. I hope it lasts; the enlightened feeling and the peace that accompany it are worthwhile. Meeting my partner on a two-way compersion street is also our best path to success, and this is the street I now walk.
This is the way.