There is little else in this world that both excites and divides than actions and opinions surrounding sexual intimacy.
As a socially-awkward white male growing up in small-town white Canada, I developed a strange and foreign fascination with touch and human connection. I was a gifted kid and excelled in school and athletics, but what I missed the most, what mattered the most to me in my heart, was finding some kind of healthy social dynamic with my peers. I was easily teased, and I was quiet and introspective. Sharing a hug, even holding hands, with someone mattered so much to me, and didn’t happen frequently. In my mid-teens, I stepped into a self-chosen Christian faith, and I was very much a late bloomer for everything beyond innocent physical connection.
Throughout my life I have been conscious of every touch, every time. Touch, to me, meant acceptance and that acceptance meant far more to me than the touch. As I matured and grew into actual relationships I brought this mindset with me. Touch was special; those sharing themselves, and their touch, with me were special as well. Touch as an affectionate physical indicator became a sign of acceptance to me and receiving such affection triggered positive receptors in my body and brain, hardcore. My former faith preached abstinence, then coupled-monogamy, and this was both my life and mindset for the majority of my formative years. Sex mattered, sex was special, sex was sacred, sex was to be revered, and anything short of doing everything about it correctly and with proper humility was shameful before the creator of the universe. But baby, you and me ain’t nothin’ but mammals…
What Is It?
Few would dispute that being touched by another human is nice and that fooling around with another playful human creates all kinds of great brain chemicals. Play is fun, sex is a good time. Stepping into worlds that were previously taboo is a thrill. Later, living in those same found-worlds is a familiar delicacy. Touching, tasting, and experiencing sexual intimacy with another human pushes all kinds of good buttons. As a society, we exploit sexuality in media and advertising while simultaneously erecting puritan barriers on the path of self-discovery, and while casting judgment upon those who find something sexual they choose to embrace.
I mentioned my ethnicity above, and for a reason. I grew up in a pleasant, but relatively conservative, white homogenous small-town culture. I didn’t experience much cultural diversity, nor did I witness a significant amount of outstanding personal expression or exploration. My sexual views and outlooks were developed in a setting that seemed to have a single logical path forward, and along that path I walked. I now have friends who grew up in hippie homes, having a whole different perspective of ‘free love’, or in cities where expression and exploration reigned supreme. Some cultures embrace sexuality, celebrating it, and speaking freely of it; mine did not seem to. Still, in a small town, there are only so many things to do, and some of my peers experimented with sexuality relatively early in life. This was not me, my own thought bubble was quite well-formed and intact, even as I gazed outside it in curiosity. It’s quite possible that my hometown was much freakier than I knew, but the parts of it that I saw were not. We always and only act from a position of precisely where we are, and that was where my own adolescence began; this was my reality and the basis of my developing worldview.
So goes the messaging: sexuality is intriguing, it’s destructive or dangerous, it’s exciting, it’s taboo, it’s not to be explored, and yet also to be simultaneously discovered and perfected at precisely the right-and-prescribed time. It’s for love, it’s for lust, it will tease you or it will satisfy you. Confused yet? The neuroses gained as an awkward youth will spiral forward into your life as you cling to what you learned, and what you know, trying to make sense of it, adding new elements, amending others, and seeking touch and acceptance.
Something New
“New relationship energy” (NRE) is an extremely powerful emotional force. Most humans are worth getting to know, and sometimes the opportunity to explore physicality arises. These opportunities can present regardless of whether you are single, partnered, or somewhere in between. There is something about getting to know a new person or being touched in an arousing-yet-unfamiliar way that makes the heart and brain soar. Whether it’s a new relationship (longer lasting) or a throwaway night, we crave novelty to bring spice to our lives. As a socially awkward child, NRE manifesting into my adult years was a powerful driver for me.
A lot of why I do something is just the novelty of the experience.
Edward Norton
Sacred Intimacy
For most monogamous couples and for some polyamorous individuals, sex is an expression of intimacy. It can be something you share with only a single person, perhaps to make them feel special. “You are mine and I’m yours and we only do these things with each other” or “Sharing joint physical space and time together makes me feel so amazingly close to you”. Most religions preach that sex is one man and one woman for one life, and that this sacred union is only to be shared between two people. This physical union can be a powerful spiritual experience, within myriad definitions of “spiritual”. In sexual congress, many people feel that they experience a deeper sensation, one that they might say transcends emotion and steps into a spiritual connection, either between the individuals involved or with those involved and nature/reality/god. If sex is spiritual and your body is your temple, then you absolutely get to be the gatekeeper, admitting those that you choose or welcome, gaining the experiences or worship you seek, and turning away the incompatible.
For others, however, particularly womxn who have experienced sexual assault, sexuality may not be spiritual or connective at all. Having been forced into one or more experiences they neither chose nor desired has removed the intimacy luster from such things. It’s possible that they no longer live in ongoing trauma from their experiences but they now choose to express intimacy through quality time, trust, and support. Some people abstain from sexual activity completely, and others open the doors wide, but they don’t use nor require sexual activity to experience intimacy.
Whether the rationale is rooted in personal choice, open-mindedness, or trauma, some simply choose sexuality as an activity to share with people they meet, in the same way that some play cards, or some arm-wrestle. We have bodies, we’re autonomous, and we do things that we want to do. Buttons are pushed, pleasure centers are activated, and good times are had. Commitment-level connections can exist outside this world or overlap. You might find that physical times have an extra value or kick with a committed partner but simultaneously feel that non-partner “fun stuff” is still worth doing. Different strokes for different folks, different vibes for each dynamic. Myself, while I’m open to going with the flow and having fun, and the most rewarding experiences are with someone that emotionally matters to me. Also, the more I explore myself and my evolving thoughts on relationship dynamics, the less I’m concerned about physical or emotional exclusivity, or even having the same sort of dynamics with additional people as my partner may have. Treat me right, show up with integrity and excitement, and let’s live rich lives.
Exclusivity
Exclusivity is an important topic, and people have varying opinions on it. Monogamous couples agree to romantic and sexual exclusivity. Swinger or poly partners usually agree to some measure of exclusivity for unprotected sexual activity, even if they participate somewhat freely with others overall, physically or romantically. It’s important to feel safe with the people that you consider core to your life and exclusivity is fine for those that choose it together. That said, a big part of relationship exclusivity having become so entrenched in our society historically is based on the control of women and protecting hereditary integrity. Exclusivity is great if you both want it but it might not be for everyone.
Does exclusivity even matter? Years ago I had a date with a woman and she told me that her partner supported however she wanted her night with me to go. Starting the night I’m not sure I knew she had a partner, I certainly didn’t know him, and to this day have never met him. She and I didn’t do much, perhaps because recently-Christian-me was still assimilating this new outlook on reality, but we could have and it would have been welcomed by her and absolutely supported by him. For all I know after she arrived home he, in a moment of compersion, might have wanted to hear about how delightful her night had gone. It takes intent and personal emotional training to get to that point, specifically after a lifetime of societal training, but these types of reactions do genuinely exist. People can sincerely want the best lives for a partner, in all possible ways, even when they themselves are not contributing factors.
And then there’s the big picture… When viewed from a cosmic perspective our attachment to exclusivity can even look a little silly. We are people living in cities-of-thousands in states in countries-of-millions on a planet with billions of people in a solar system in a galaxy with millions of stars in the universe of all space and time. In the cosmos, we are each microscopic nothings. On a universal scale, what possible negative spiritual connotations could exist from “who slept with who on this teeny planet that time”? Does some great cosmic creator really care that these select molecules created what we call “friction” with some other select molecules? Acknowledging responsible health choices, and granting that each individual has to make up their mind and find their own emotional comfort and emotional health, thinking that there are big-picture-spiritual consequences of chosen sexual experiences seems ridiculous to science-minded and logical humans, and to many others who choose to embrace what they feel to be their authentic human nature. We are piles of somehow-sentient particles, and we experience positive sensations, at times, by interacting with other physical matter. It doesn’t surprise me that a lot of philosophers, scientists, and thinking-individuals are non-monogamous; if all involved-or-affected agree then consenting adults can be consenting adults. Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is very possible.
Brigitte knows that with every breath, every cell I worship only her. The most beautiful, interesting, sexy, and powerful woman I have ever come across. And when she’s not around, I fuck a lot of other women
Baron Samedi, American Gods
Then and Now, Or All Together Now?
Exploring time-order, most humans have had or will have more than one partner in their lives. They experience love, lust, commitment, secrets, intimacy, and thrill with one person, and then others. When this happens in the monogamous world, these relationships tend to happen in a serial fashion, one-after-another. Love occurs, and sex occurs, but only with one person at a time. I believe this mentality is a construct of our society.
Anyone who has ever loved twice knows that two loves are indeed possible. They are not the same but both can be valid and important. Anyone who has had sex with more than one person knows the same also applies there. In monogamy, one love may manifest and the other preceded it or has to wait. Yet a mother with two children loves both children simultaneously. The shape of the love for each child is similar, but not identical, and usually neither is cherished above the other. A mother with five children understands that five such loves can coexist at once.
Knowing that we can love more than once in life, and share sexual intimacy more than once in life, then what is stopping the overlapping expression of this sort of love/lust other than societal conditioning? Monogamy is a choice. It’s a valid choice, but it’s not the only possibility. The sequence of sexual operations only matters if you make it matter; one partner after the other, or with intertwined timeframes, after some point in time all of the same things will have happened.
Options For the Future
These possibilities of exploration are reinforced by the fact that (even monogamous) people develop and carry unexpressed crushes on people who are not currently their partners. This is the human way. This is the source of music and literature and art, lies, affairs, and pain. What would happen if you had the freedom to acknowledge your desires, and your curiosities, and get to both explore and freely celebrate humanity? It is possible to have this sort of partnership, receiving support in this pursuit, even being cheered on. The world is filled with wonderful experiences, and interesting people, and you can choose a life that allows this exploration.
What if we could put down the stress and limits of sexual exclusivity? What if it was okay for you, for your partner, to be attracted to other people, just like they always have been, just like even monogamous people still are, and get to act on or acknowledge it, passively or actively? Honor your commitments, build a life together of your own design, and don’t break your promises, and you can still live a rich life of integrity, variety, and exploration.