The title says it all: nobody owes you anything, not a thing., and nobody owns you. This is not about financial transactions or legal agreements, but about interpersonal promises, relationships, and intentions. You get to make your choices, you react to the stimulus in your own world. Each other person is a completely separate entity; they make their own choices, and they react to their own stimulus. To be whole is to be autonomous, to not rely on another for self-completion, and also to realize these truths.
We only control ourselves. Nobody else controls us, but neither do we control them. Sometimes people make promises to each other, or commitments. Sometimes they honor their words and sometimes they don’t. We get to choose to keep people in our lives if they show themselves worthy of our trust. We get to stop giving them our attention and energy if they fall short.
Too often though, we don’t choose to stop giving our attention to someone falling short, holding on to a notion that something might change. We look at agreements made, feel pain, we point fingers. Thinking that someone else actually owes you something, for some reason, for any reason, is a step towards disappointment. By welcoming their commitment each time they show up, and celebrating those who honor their words and intentions, we can keep people in our lives who enrich us.
I don’t think it’s wrong to hope that people deliver on whatever they say they are going to do; hope is a powerful thing. Humans, however, are fallible. Betting the farm on a hope that you personally do not have power over is a risky proposition. I think it’s even fair to say that most humans plan to deliver, at least at the time they say the words. But people also change their minds. They grow. They stumble. They make mistakes, intentional or not. The choice they intended to make might not be the one they ultimately settle on.
A piece of rock does not own another piece of rock next to it, even if they’re physically attached. They may instead find themselves part of a whole, especially if part of the same rock. Similarity does not equal obligation. Proximity does not require familiarity or commitment. A leaf owes nothing to a tree, nor the tree to a leaf. There are connections, in that a tree grows and nurtures the leaf, but that’s a biological consequence, a truth, more than an obligation. As a leaf is grown from a tree, perhaps we can extend this sort of connection to a parent/child dynamic, but between functional adults, we move away from this reality.
As we extend this same idea, the notion that a sentient human is owned by another sentient human, or is inherently owed anything by them in any way, is just as ridiculous. We are atoms in the universe without an inherent right over other atoms that are not ourselves. We may make requests of others but we don’t get to mandate anything. A molecule does not own another molecule. They can interact, they can join forces, and they can destroy each other, but there is no ownership. People can find harmonious synergies, they can butt heads, they can stay together or go their own way, but again there is no ownership, nothing owed.
Physical truth aside, non-attachment of the Zen Buddhist mentality seems to suggest the same. We can make requests of people and they will either agree or they won’t. They will either then deliver or they won’t. When things go the way we expect we can feel happiness. When someone else falls short or fails to honor their words, we also have the choice of accepting this reality with grace. There may be repercussions in relationships or business due to this failure, and those should not be overlooked nor allowed to repeat.
We are still humans with brains and hearts and feelings. We still have a measure of self-preservation. I’m not saying to isolate, nor to have your guard up at all times, I mean solely to not carry an expectation that your word is gospel to someone, and to not put stock in their own word being fully enough gospel to them that they will rise above infallibility. The best intentions can fall short and if you live your life waiting for someone to honor a promise that was broken, you will be waiting a long time while also carrying a burden of dissatisfaction coupled with a lack of personal peace.
What does it even mean to owe someone something? In the context I’m speaking about, the definition says “owe”: “to be under a moral obligation to give someone (gratitude, respect, etc.)”. Things like gratitude and respect can be given, but not demanded. There may be life consequences for not giving these things in certain contexts but to demand them outright is disingenuous; they are also things to be earned. How frustrating it could be that living a life that seemingly should earn respect or gratitude may not? In truth, gratitude and respect require both sides; one person living a life worthy of it, and another person choosing to offer it. Still, there is no possible demand for such.
In the same way that nothing is owed, neither can we make exclusive claims to another, nor to their feelings or experiences. To claim otherwise steps into the idea of ownership. The addition of positive people or experiences to the life of someone you love can be embraced, welcomed, and doubly so if that is what your loved one wants. You are embracing them and who they are, supporting the things that matter to them, and giving them freedom. To demand exclusivity when the other is asking for something other is to reach out with emotional chains. Humans are not possessions. If someone wants to meet you in exclusivity then go for it. If they choose to take that back, honor that. Friendships and relationships are a dance, both parties moving independently, back and forth, twisting, turning, to an everchanging tune. Dance with them as best you can, and meet them in their flow. To stand firm and insist on ownership, on enforcing your way upon a free spirit, is to stand still and large on the dance floor, hindering your partner rather than enhancing their experience. This is not the type of dance that will nurture a free spirit, nor the type they should long stick around for.
These are not easy things to learn, releasing the concept of being owed or letting go of even implied ownership. In a logical way, it makes sense to expect gratitude when you live a life that should invite that. You can live the most respectful life and still find someone who treats you like dirt. Why would you continue to live a potentially sacrificial life for those who don’t even say thank you? You don’t have to. They don’t owe you words of thanks, even as it might benefit your mutual relationship to hear such things. Instead, notice who shows up, and who reciprocates the spirit you offer. Who releases you to be you? Who celebrates your autonomous life? These are your people. People who don’t show up, the ones who don’t honor their words or bring their time in accordance with their promises, you might choose to make some changes in your life, especially if these trends persist.
Dance with others who understand your dance, or are at least willing to learn it. Be free, grant freedom, but don’t settle for disrespect. Make good choices, live autonomously if you can, without tying your hopes or well-being up to the behaviors of others, and thrive. This might be part of the only true path to peace.