Every rule you know is made up; every single one. We latch on to how things “are” but so much of that is social-construct and less frequently are they our own independent thoughts or conclusions. We are sentient atoms in an improbable universe, how crazy is that? Self-aware matter that somehow has thoughts, feelings, and neuroses. Inspiration, pain, love… these are all chemical reactions in the electrically-infused lump of jello brain.
Our reality is driven by how our minds perceive the world, time, the universe, and while the mind is an astounding creation it’s also both limiting and inventive. What we consider to be color only exists in the brain’s interpretation of waves, we’re really just some weird non-descript goo. Our eyes fill in gaps to create useful survival perceptions, and also sometimes remove visible objects from sight completely.
For better or worse, our mind dictates how we move through this world, how we think, how we dream, the patterns we see, the things we long for, the things we consider to be true, just, or right. Having stepped into the psychonaut world, having torn down aspects of ego and let loose the mind even for a short time, this has challenged everything I know. There is more in my mind than I ever imagined. There are also a lot things are that are only in my mind because I put them there, or my societal upbringing did. Every rule you know is made up, so keep the ones that make sense and challenge the rest, experiment!
I’m probably missing out on opportunities these days because I’m not pursuing them the same way as I used to when I had more attachment to social outcomes. I might also be coming across as more appealing to people because my attachment to social outcomes is gone. I have fleeting thoughts that might have distant roots in jealousy but I have been amazingly able to acknowledge them and let them go, rewiring my thought process towards being happy that positive things are happening in the lives of those around me. There’s a peace that comes with that, a feeling of Zen, so that’s something I’m chewing on and seriously integrating.
I do yearn for affectionate touch. Although sexuality has some appeal it doesn’t drive my awkward-childhood-resulting motivations the way it once did. I’m floating. I have peace with the now. Where I’m at is now completely compatible with what would have been a solid foundation for my changed marriage parameters. We are no longer together, and that chapter doesn’t seem to have a future at this point, but dammit, I did the work and now I’m here.
Some days I like the notion of a committed partnership. One where we’re a team, building a mutual future, one where we have regular date nights, or home nights. Meals, laughs, comfort, smiles, tears. There’s a certain assurance that comes from having but one partner, whether it’s monogamous or open. Things can change on a dime but the thought of that can be nice.
Most days I lean into my new poly mindset. There are pluses and minuses. My least favorite thing on the poly front is that I don’t like vying for time. I’m making connections but I’m not finding myself as a time-or-communication-priority for many of those connections. It can be hard to try to make plans, to be told someone doesn’t have time, then see them make other plans that weren’t previously made. Or to reach out with a specific and time-sensitive invitation and be left on ‘read’ and receiving no reply. There’s also the cliche that poly people have scheduling problems, and it’s a cliche for a very good reason. Trying to make your existing loved ones feel like they are getting enough quality time is hard, and for a new person to arrive on the scene and cut into that time is even harder. It’s weird scheduling to hang out a month from now.
I see a lot of value in polyamory, or perhaps to describe it as connections with people that are absent expectations but open to whatever manifests. I do really like connections with people; it’s basically the best thing there is. I do like the idea of being someone’s primary, even if it doesn’t have that label, and even if it’s only for a time. By that I mean that I want to be wanted, I want to be prioritized. I do like to not have to fight for shreds of time or attention. I don’t even remember what it’s like to fall asleep with someone on any kind of regular basis, but I miss it. Or what it’s like to feel that you’re on the same page as someone, equally excited to be there in that moment and equally excited about what’s to come.
Stepping into this journey I was resistant to the notion of solo-polyamory but now it seems like it might be more compatible for me than any other form of polyamory inside of a more traditional relationship structure. If I make a big-picture commitment to someone and there isn’t a concept of primary/nesting partner, then it seems like a life of bracing for WHEN the change will happen rather than working to preserve an agreed commitment (one like I’d made when getting married). I know there’s no guarantee in monogamy, or in a primary bond, or really in any aspect of life at all, but a lot of couples make do make it long term and I do like the feeling that comes from having a solid partner by your side.
I could be monogamish. I like the notion of trust, commitment, joint-adventures, stability, shared-resources, adventure partners. I could also be solo-poly, especially if it’s established in communication up front, so that all involved know the landscape. I continue to form my opinions on “relationship anarchy”, a structure that potentially allows for a committed partnership but also embraces the winds of change more than it resists them. When making big picture decisions with my house, my life, my finances, my dogs, my geography, my job security…. all of these things matter.
I want to live hard. I want to love hard. I want to have meaningful connections. I want to shed my preconceptions of what “should” be and embrace whatever reality I can craft myself. I want good people along for the ride. I want to matter to others, and I want to feel this truth in my core. I want a close tribe of friends (this feels lacking for me, despite having a LOT of friends). I want my shared-company to be sought after and I want my time to be respected. I want to celebrate successes and connections in the lives of people I care about, and do so absent jealousy. I want to be a part of those moments when it makes sense and when I can be and as much as possible I’d like to be integral in them, in ways more than just peripheral.
I want to be happy, to respect boundaries, and to have quality communication with the people in my life. What shape that takes is a bit up in the air right now, but I’m here for it.